16/2/23 in Myself

Quick recap and then happening in order.

I’m kinda sick, a bit cold n stuff, bit hot and dizzy just from bad sleep and exhaustion yk. Again, I had an agonic day at school, recess was horrid, extremely depressing. However, I didn’t feel so sad the rest of the day. Or at least, if I was sad it was a different kind of sadness than the one I felt before. Now, it’s more of an irremediable, accepted sense of nothingness while before it was more like a feeling of anger and impotence. I believe I want this one more.

I always forget bout writing things from one day to another. I also only write a minimum part of everything I think. I am also having great fear and anger because I forget things easily. My memory, or my lack of it, makes me sad. I’m tired, and sad that all this records and archives are just a minimum part of me. I also had some cronophobia attack lately, but they haven’t been the worse. I guess I accepted I am a grain of sand. More on that later.

1. I’m sick, and the day overall was hard. I sleep badly and rest badly, and these are the consecuences. I haven’t taken a single med, let’s see how this goes.

2. Wanted to say, forgot yesterday, that I don’t know how I feel towards B. I think I love him, but I don’t know if it’s romantic, platonic, sexual or what kind of mix. I wanna be with him, I wanna have physical touch and even sex w him, and most importantly I wanna be vulnerable with him and let him be vulnerable to me. Maybe it’s just a love craving in general, but focused on the most loving person I saw at first glance. Anyways, it still feels like a stab wound being pushed everytime he hugs someone else. I also got attacks coz he might like someone else, maybe it’s the boy he sees, and maybe that’s Ivan. Anyways, I don’t think he’ll ever love me. I also believe I idealice him. Gotta say I get my own hopes because he sends me reels and stuff, but he then doesn’t talk to me that much in person, he just talks to everybody. More bout that on hunger theory.

3. I’d need a whole glossary and thousands of pages if I wanted to explain every single idea I get, so I’m a abandon that project, I’ll just treat them as random thoughts.

4. The hunger thing, it’s easy to give your back to people starving coz you have friends, the hard thing is being the one starving, because not only you start in a bad position, people in good positions will potentially not help you, since they have closed groups. Anyways, I think I’m doing kinda good at improving relationships without people noticing that I’m starving. I hope this also goes better when I change looks. I wanna go thrifting a lot. B, Paula and some people occasionally talk to me, I also st w S in history and Language. Small details, but still work in progress. It’s funny that I think the person I talk the most with is Nils, I would’ve never expected that actually. I’ll ask tomorrow, but if we actually go devil hunters to the costume party next Friday, that’d be a huge step forwards.

5. OK, main CD (character development) moment of the day. See, M3 read his dissertation on liberty, saying we were free. It was great. Marina said it was the best dissertation he had ever heard and I agree. Compared to mine, it was the everything, mine was the nothing. I believed mine was awful, now I believe it was decent, but either way it would not compare. This triggered something on me.
   So, I kinda viewed people my age as “dumb”. In the sense that they acted the way they acted, like teenagers, while I was an 80 year old. Same when I was a smaller kid. So I kind said, yk, let’s be one of them, and thought I had to be “dumb” to fit. Ofc, I was always academically excellent, but that’s were my proficient intelligence pretty much ended, so when M3 read her dissertation, I understood finally. People think, not with the same intensity as me, and not all the time, but they can think in that way that I thought was imposible. This feel kinda narcissistic and egocentric but I really felt like that. Now, I have a great fear of losing my academic skills, and when I had a small trouble understamding math, physics or chem I insta panicked.
   A small reflection from the shower, I am intelligent because I have the ability to abstract things and manipulate concepts in my mind to make them fit. I adapt things to my mind, not my mind to things. But I am bad when putting my thought into words because they cannot be manipulated if you want them to keep their meaning. Now that M3 appeared, she is also pretty intelligent and, most importantly, knows how to put her thought into words. She sat me back in my place, and tho I will prolly unconsciously write this to make me look like a victim or wasted potential genius, I deserved that lesson. I had to get back to the world.

6. I spent all the time on recess looking into nowhere trying not to cry after philosophy’s humiliation (I still love Philo class tho). I thought havy bout suicide and sh, and bout living a live just for pleasure with drugs n shi. But I didn’t feel sad throughout the day as I said earlier. Something has changed in me. I’ve always been a grain of sand, the nothing. Before, I wanted to become something, but that’s impossible, no matter how hard I tried. It was like asking a whale to fly, no matter how much they trained or how much they wanted to, they’d never fly and that brings them angst and sadness. Now, I’ve accepted ill always be nothing, so I’ll try to just enjoy my nothingness and become “something to other nothings”, care bout my world, at the end, it is my everything. I’ve accepted my fate as another ordinary human being.

7. Literally [insert Sartre’s theory of individuality w that example of the lonely person in the park and then someone else walks in the park n stuff]

8. I trained, and it went almost as good as always, but it’s awful to train with a cold. Lotta pressure, I’ve said it before.

9. Might’ve said it, but I’ll go thrift and then monopoly w the 3s. Noa is dating Jimmy, she said she’ll explain a lot of things that happened so they ended up like this. I hope she does.

10. I had a lotta sugar. I wanna cut it out but I’m pretty much addicted.

11. I’m tired of wasting time, and being less productive (in terms of learning, socialising n stuff) than I could potentially be makes me anxious. Tho I’ll try to be less hard-handed w the productivity thing, I wanna have the phys change soon, to make friends and feel better w myself before. All the time before that is “wasted time”, and if I don’t get clothing, a haircut and stuff and that change in general, time after that will still feel wasted.

12. I kinda sexualise myself by avoiding sexualistion. I’ll prolly unconsciously and irrationally let the 3s see a peak of my torso when I change into a formal shit for monopoly on Sunday. I lay on tables and appear vulnerable in class, that kinda shit. I feel like nobody (most people) loves me or even seen me if there’s no underlying physical objective. Doesn’t have to be potential sex, just someone decently handsome/sexy, otherwise they’ll not talk to me. Yes, I mean it’s harder to make friends when you are ugly, and I highly believe it’s true.

13. Live live laugh mitski.

14. Still wanna learn a lot, Japanese and Chinese, guitar, magic (im reading hermetic philosophy) and typology.

15. Gotta have ee topic literally tomorrow. I have no ide what to do. I’ll prolly make up something for math, literature didn’t work, all books were German or Japanese.

16. I’m so much and e5 goddamn.

23:54