Ever wish you could turn back time.. in Thinking..

Do you ever wish you could just turn back time and change things that have happened. I sure do..
There have been so many things that have happened that I wish I could change.. I have been hurt and I have done things to hurt others and damn I wish I could take all the pain away.. that I have caused. And the one person I have hurt the most is the one that loves me the most and has stuck by me though a lot of what has happened to me in my life. If it wasn’t for him I don’t know where I would be today . He has saved my life multiple times (over dosing).
We hadn’t been together very long when I was raped at work and I was so scared to tell him what happened cause I was scared he would leave me or think I was evil or bad and not good enough. But he Never Left me .. he stayed with me. But I still feel like I’m not good enough for him. 2001 I was 19 when we got together and he was 20. We had our first child in 2002 and our second in 2003 and third in 2007 .
So in the 22 years we have been together I have left him and hurt him multiple times when he has only been good to me. But I let the pain of things that have happened to me hurt my relationship now and it has for a long time. I know he wasn’t the one that hurt me but not meaning to I take it out on him.
And growing up I was told never show your feelings and when I was hurt I was told to just let it go and don’t think about it and don’t talk about it. So I never worked though what happened to me.
And now I have a lot of health issues. I found out in 2017 that I had a brain tumor and had surgery in October 2017 and not even 6 months later I was told that it was growing back slowly but they were just goin to watch it and see how fast it grows and I blood pressure so high it was in the 200 and I now having seizures.
In 2019 he was in a motorcycle accident and almost died and I was so scared I was going to lose him. I stayed with him the whole 2 weeks in was in the hospital. He came home in a wheelchair and had to be in a hospital bed for 4 months. And in the past 2 years I have gotten worse be in and out of the hospital a lot and then found out back in April that the brain tumors had gotten a lot bigger and I had my 2nd brain surgery on May 24 2022. And then had a peacemaker put in back in October and I’m only 40 will be 41 on the 19th. And just a few weeks ago was told that the main tumor the doctor said he is pretty sure he go it all but there is another tumor but they can’t operate cause of where it’s at and if they tried it could throw me in to a stroke. So we are goin to just watch it and see if it grows and if so I will have to do radiation.
And even though I have hurt him so much he has been here for me. Even though I don’t know why he would stay when I had don’t so much and caused so much pain to him.