I’m going to give this online journal thing another go. Years ago I used to have an open diary. then the site went down. I’m just going to write like it was just me. I’m just going to jump right in the middle of my life and write like I would in a paper journal.
I’m 45 years old. I have two children. One is in her second year of college, the other is finishing up his senior year and will be going to college next year.
So much of my life has been taking care of those children, I stayed home with them. And now they are both practically grown up. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do? I don’t know what I’m going to talk about with my husband. For the first time in over 20 years it will be just us.
He doesn’t like me much, I think, my husband I mean.
I have severe anxiety, which he disregards. I also have adhd, which he also disregards. He acts one way in front of people, he acts like he is the most wonderful caring person to other people, but this is also the man who has flat out told me he doesn’t care about anything I say, so he doesn’t listen.
Is it any wonder I’m so depressed. I’m alone. For the first time in 15 years I’m off my anxiety meds, by my doctors orders. He thinks they may be contributing to the problems I’m having losing weight, which is also contributing to my high blood pressure.
Somehow, according to my husband, I’m faking my blood pressure. I fake everything that is wrong. My fake shingles, and fake covid, (I’m fully vaccinated) really hit me hard. I’d like to know how I’m faking my high blood pressure though.
I don’t know. Maybe this isn’t a good idea, maybe writing out all my thoughts isn’t going to help.
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