23:25
Just some reflections n shi. No. 6 playing. S, B, N and some people in class said I looked tired. Father asked me if I was tired too. I looked at the mirror and I do look demarcated.
So, bout leaving people before they leave me. That thing of costumes hit me hard. I’ve been distant w everybody this two weeks. I instinctively thought that one B, S, I and J group didn’t want to even talk to me so I started dissociating and going away from people before they actually took me out of conversation actively. “I gave up before they even showed an intention to attack (which they most surely don’t have)” I also ideated two outcomes wether I talk to them or not.
If I talk more to them, and get in conversations n stuff they’ll think in annoying and avoid me.
If I isolate myself and talk less to everybody they’ll believe I want to be alone and avoid me.
All outcomes in my mind come out with them avoiding me, meanwhile, I’m also imagining and idealizing an scenario where I talk with B tomorrow and he asked me if I’m OK and I tell him in not but thanks for asking and we become a lot closer n stuff (I’ll be w B a lot tomorrow, we’ll not be at class since it’s math Olympics).
I want people, and the best thing my head can do is rationally telling me it’s impossible, but also not letting me forget about them.
I really wished I had myself in front of me so I could slap me and fight me and hit me today. I want to fight someone and I see myself as my biggest enemy.
I did nothing today, I wanted to read or watch sum but my shitass internet concanection in my room didn’t let me.
I ate a bit much sugar today, but I’ve been eating less this week.
Imma hang out w the 3s on Sunday, just to see if I still get along or I’m officially completely alone.
Matro asked me to go as MIB to that party with her, but I still wanna go wizard, it suits me a lot. I’ll go next Sunday to the thrifting to look for stuff to make the costume, and I’ll use it as a excuse to try n get some clothes.
If it doesn’t work well, I’ll just go MIB.
I am really really tired, and my eyes close. I want to sleep more but I literally can’t. I felt pretty bad today. I am kinda cold but I also kinda wish I get sick.
I looked it up, party is on a Friday, the (my first national) competition is the Sunday. I wasn’t planning to drink and be gone and I most surely won’t, but if mom’s face isn’t horrible when I tell her bout the party I might get a few shots.
I’ll try to sleep more, tho it seems worthless. I wanna talk a lot to B tomorrow n stuff, but I predict I’m just gonna end up alone in the middle of nowhere or father is gonna get me to have lunch somewhere before coming back (10:00-13:30 n 16:00-19:30).
23:40
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