23:30
Not much today, literally same day as yesterday, maybe a bit more productive.
Father wasn’t home for the whole day, but the fact that he could either be sleeping (his room was dark and I couldn’t see anything, couldn’t check if he was gone so I was never sure) or come back at any moment made me anxious, I can’t keep living with him.
Just wanted to notice one thing, I saw photos of B at yesterday’sleepover. He was hanging out with those people in class that aren’t bad people but just not like me, and he was doing his same face on every photo as always. A new thought came to me. Maybe he is like them, not at all like me, or even worse, maybe he is actually a bad guy, false, egocentric and dumb (I hope he isn’t). I also found out his grandpa died last week or so, just as a fact but nothing too important.
I went from being obsessed with someone, to feeling in love, to not trusting them, to feeling like they are bad people.
It’s a weird way to love.
I’m ofc listening to Padparadscha and I don’t wanna get up tomorrow morning. I do wanna go to school kinda but I don’t wanna get up early, or look like shit, or do homework.
What I want is to see people but this lack of socialisation prolly made me idealise how class is and imma be disappointed tomorrow when I actually enter.
I feel alone and empty as yesterday.
I aslo wanna sy I found out I always have hope. It’s funny because I’m a pessimistic and down person, but all that drives me is hope. Just by writing this, I have an internalised, irrational hope of my lost soul mate reading it, even tho I know it’ll never happen. Everytime I go to class, I still hope B tells me he is in love with me, tho it’s the most surrealistic thing that could happen. I lie to myself unconsciously, I tell myself good things might happen and that I gotta work for it when in reality those things aren’t more than dreams.
I’m both a prankster and a fool. (cool phrase ik)
I work everyday trying to make a dream real, hoping that dream will make me happy. In fact, it’s nothing more than that, a dream. Perhaps happiness comes from dreaming without knowing you are not awake. (another cool phrase hell yeah)
I gotta do more research, but that looked like a self defense mechanism, “idealizing irreal goals and imagining unexistant scenarios to fill up real emotional necessities” .
Imma do tai chi with gyms. I’ll end up destroyed but I gotta be productive or ill feel guilty. I never feel with energy anyway so sleeping less ain’t gonna affect much.
23:46
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