Sometimes I wish I could just be. Just check out and stare out into the sky or the wall. Just for a little while. Avoid my own Dr visit from abnormal results. Avoid going home for a little while. Avoid dealing with Gold asking everyone I know questions about me instead of asking me.
It would be so nice to just sit at the end of a pier and just look at the slim green trees over the lake, and not feel like every moment had to be chocker blocked full with things to do. Just guilt free avoidance. I don’t have a place like that that I can just retreat to.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just ripping apart at the seams. A volcano of white rage boiling over, but I push it deep in until it sizzles out. I wonder what happens to that searing rage.
The chilling grips of anxiety, the lightning jitters. A tornado in a jar, never settling down. My fears of not being able to do a good job. Failing at a career I chose to be able to provide a comfort to my sweet love. If only I could take her pain away, her fears and mental suffering. Will it ever stop and be still? I don’t know. All I do know is that normalcy is out of the window. Our lives feel forever changed. I don’t know if I will ever feel sane again.
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