I remember once, maybe a week ago, some guy walked backwards to where I was standing and accidentally stepped on me. We both quickly looked at each other. He said something. It didn’t seem apologetic but not aggressive either. I couldn’t hear him because of the music in my air pods. I just froze and stared at him for a few seconds. He and his friends moved to another part of the tram car. I was afraid or maybe riled up ( In a scared/nervous way ) for the rest of the ride. No, I felt relieved when they got off so I was most likely just scared.
Later that day I listened to FREEDDAWG by NBA young boy. I blasted it really loud and fantasized about fighting them. In hindsight it seems glaringly obvious that it was a reaction to my feeling insecure and embarrassed that I was scared by confrontation. I had the sense but I didn’t fully admit it to myself or stop fantasizing. I’ve frozen up before but that’s another story.
Why did I feel insecure? I guess because being that afraid is wimpy and people don’t respect you for it.
In my defense though there were like three or four of them and only one of me. If it was only that one guy I probably would’ve been less afraid.
Actually upon further thinking, I think it was the fact that I looked at him with more of a surprised expression than an angry expression. I think I did it because I was afraid. But fuck those guys. He should’ve watched where he was going. I don’t have to be nice to him.
I’d like to be more mean but my voice often goes soft and tight, refusing to let me speak. If it happened again, I probably would’ve acted the same. Though, hopefully, I’d be slightly less afraid.
Loading comments...