I have been blessed with two wonderful kids, a well-off family leaving me no need to work for a living, many helps supporting me and the kids, and a husband who is loyal and listens to me. I wonder what more could one ask for. At work, I may not earn much, but I am a boss. I get respect from my entire workspace - probably more than what I deserve. People tell me I inspire them, and that they look up to me. And yet, I feel extremely unconfident. I look great, and yet, I worry about my looks. I don’t know that to do with kids when I get time with them, and yet I feel guilty of not spending time with them. Sometimes, I am elated, because at work I am getting everything that I want (except for more money).. but then again, not that I need the money. I get the recognition and the intellectual stimulation and the importance that I need.
The problem is that I have climbed such a high horse, that now I am too scared to fall off it. I have always been a prisoner of my ego, making decisions that I don’t want to, saying things I don’t want to, not saying what I want to. I never gave my best to my relationships. I always decided that I was the superior being, and that my partner didn’t deserve me. I married my husband ensuring no issue to the past will hold.. he will be older than me, richer than me.. we won’t compete.. we won’t argue about money. I will be at peace.
I have ended up with a husband that gives me too much peace. There is absolute silence in our relationship. We just don’t speak. We can go on a drive 3-4 hours long and not utter a word. He can’t speak to me, but to everybody else he can. I can’t speak to him, but to everyone else I can. He doesn’t realise how and why he ends up upsetting me. Because he can’t communicate with me to understand. The world is black and white for him. He doesn’t understand layers. He doesn’t understand irrationality of feelings. He accepts everything.. but doesn’t understand. He knows everything will blow over so he waits for that.
I miss heart-to-heart conversations. I miss talking endlessly without thinking. I miss being vulnerable. I have developed the persona of being so strong that I cannot be vulnerable anymore. I miss a friend in my husband. I think that I am so full that I am empty.. I have a flat affect. Never too happy never too sad. Just the same. I know no-one will celebrate my achievements.
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