I was reading the uses of food grade hydrogen peroxide. A friend who is very into natural healing had me look at this in an email. More context to this, from Christmas into the new year, my mother was made terminally ill and shortly passed away. I held a belief that I could heal her, and keep her here, the key being happy and increasing her quality of life. So, with my friend, I was excited to be on that quest. Only to realize, just how little control I had over my situation.
Everyone else, my family specifically just did not hold the same belief as me and bluntly stating it, they gave up and just wanted her to feel comfortable. It was either that or they just left everything solely up to me, which they didn’t seem to think would be a big responsibility, especially when the diet mum needed to be on just wasn’t being followed because of them. The resent that followed her death, clings onto to me still, only it’s calmed since I am moving out in the next month, I am trying so hard to make room to love my family, there’s still a limit to it.
I was so sad when I went back to read that email my friend sent to me earlier this year, I was riddled with guilt in knowing my responsibility was not upheld, how none of my family truly believed in me and how close minded they all became to the idea that my mum could still live through this.
I get it, we all process it differently, I just can’t seem to get over how the woman who had the capabilities of holding a family together, couldn’t even be given the same treatment by her own family. They would rather see her as her days end than come to a lifestyle change that could keep her here.
I accomplished so much this year, trying to fill that gap for her, yet I still cannot shake the sadness, the resentment and the hurt from her passing. I hope next time I read this email, it’s with a different perspective, until then I will just continue venting all of my feelings and thoughts on here.
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