Hello diary~landia.
I have not been a good person. I catfished someone. I know, right? Totally fucked. We were online friends for about a year before I came clean. I mean, I came clean but I think he knew for a while and was too scared to say anything.
It has been… Over 2 years since then, very nearly three. We are still best friends. We did not meet on a dating site, but I sent him a photo of a friend because I was very insecure. At my highest weight I was 311 pounds. I’ve always been terrified of life and I hate it. Never been an outgoing fat. Always a wish-I-wasn’t-fat, fat. That’s not an excuse by any means. An explanation of my insanity? I don’t know.
But he’s one of my best friend’s in the world. We text and talk all day. Turns out he was lying to me too, for a long time. It hurts! I get it. We’re both kind of shitty people. We just lied about different things. The internet is a strange place. And it’s not like we ignored it and stayed besties, but we both were… I don’t know. We didn’t want to stop knowing each other ever. So we have stayed close and grown closer, really. Sort of, in a strange~hurt kind of way.
We used to live nearish to each other, now we live farish but nothing impossible. 14 hours by car. He encourages me and is good motivation to get my life together. I think we’re very honest with each other now. He wants me to lose weight for all the good and hot reasons, he wants to hike and go for long walks and work out with me… And throw me around. I want that too. I’ve always hated being obese but never had the sustained motivation to lose it. This is probably really fucked up but I really don’t care.
Today I weighed in at 225. I think my weight-loss has been largely me wanting to atone or.. I don’t know. Just not be the person I’ve let myself become. I know that I still have a long way to go, but I haven’t been this weight since high school. It is surreal.
Next year in the Spring I am going to visit him. He has not seen me since 60 pounds ago. I think we could be really good for each other. I hope so. Writing it all out is rough.
I really want to get on it and lose a substantial amount before I see him next. This waiting period before my visit is rough. I want a relationship. With him. We’re in this strange holding pattern and this next visit will be decision time. But he wants to date someone healthy and I want to fucking go hiking and not feel like I may die.
I have gained 6lbs since Oct 5. But boy, did I enjoy myself while I did it. I’m back on the ball this week. Tracking calories. I need to exercise a bit more, I have no excuse for not getting more movement in. This is the time. I have 4-5 months to do some major work on myself.
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