My ex emailed me recently, admitting that they had severely abused me for years.
Now, part of me thought that would make me feel some sort of vindication and it would make me feel better. But that’s far from the truth. It was sudden and unwanted, I had told them about a week before that I was going no contact and that they need to stop contacting me in any form. They responded, of course, to that message, but I hoped that was the last of it.
They couldn’t even leave me alone for a full week before messaging me again, trying so desperately to rope me back in with the one thing I’ve wanted for so long. Acknowledgement to the abuse and an apology. But I know it’s not real, and I know they don’t actually mean it.
They even asked me to contact them back giving examples of what they had done and how it affects me/how it altered me. Everything is screaming in me to take the opportunity to unleash years of abuse in a multi page, bullet point list for them, but I know I can’t. I know if I message back, ever, it’s just a foot in the door for them to return.
I just want it to be like we don’t exist in each others worlds anymore. We are divorced, no children, they live in a different state altogether. there’s no genuine reason we need to be in each other’s lives now.
I have them blocked everywhere but one contact point, and for now, I’ve left it open because I’m terrified of them showing back up in my area unannounced. I know they have the awful habit of messaging someone even if they know they’ve been blocked, so I might get an unintended tip off of any dangerous behavior. Plus, leaving this open builds more evidence if and when I end up getting a restraining order put on them.
I’m young… I shouldn’t be preoccupied with surviving my divorce. I shouldn’t be feeling my heart rate start to pound in my chest the minute I hear a TikTok creators voice that my ex used to listen to. I shouldn’t start to shut down the minute someone starts to raise their voice if their tone sounds like my exes.
How do I make it stop? How do I get my life back? What do I need to do to be a person again?… Shockingly, this is the first year in 14 years I haven’t wanted to kill myself. I’ve had the least amount of depression ever. Yet, my paranoia and anxiety have sky rocketed to new highs. How do I stop reacting to the shadows of my ex .... I just want to live my life.
Loading comments...