23:56
Ok so No6 playing as usual, Chem test tomorrow and not planning to study (I’ll meditate later), kinda tired but I’m not planning to sleep much since I’ll be writing, meditating for luck and hopefully talking w my class on chat.
So today, today was rough. My situation is officially out of control and I need a vent (I’m still planning to bubble up even if I have to explode), I talked a bit about my life w some of the BioSanitary Bach and well.. Some said I should write a book, Shai was actually worried and told me to get a pshycologist (understandable reaction), I officially started saying I was bad, it’s a nonsense to hide it. I’m not planning to expose my trauma to anyone since that’s private but acting like in perfectly fine when I’m visibly in a horrible state is worse than lying to myself, is making everyone concerned and it’s my fault.
A funny convo I’ll remember was at lunch time when I said it joking and it went like.
Me: (part of a sentence) “… And I am mentally destroyed, I should probably get treatment blah blah…”
B: (a minute later, talking specifically to me and not the group) “Hey, you know if you…”
Me: “Hahaha, (I was actually laughing, it was funny) you are so much of an enneagram 2”
B: “Haha, but seriously, like if you ever need any help…”
Me: “Yeah ok, I know”
I don’t want to vent on him specially on various reasons:
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He’s (best) friends w matros, and it feels bad (she was the first and only person I talked to like that)
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He has too many friends. He’s too sociable and I don’t feel significant enough for him *his relationship with S. I’m gonna steal Taylor’s line: “A friend of all is a friend of none”, you get what I mean.
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We are goddamn together in class for the next 2 years, nahuh.
*More things, my envy for his relationship w S. They are very close, as everyone in class, and I want to be as close as they are with someone but I’m starting to cry I just can’t. Yesterday night they were talking in the class group hat and B said something that made him the center of attention and some people were saying today things like “Hey B how can you do such a comment and leave it there” n stuff. He said something about masturbation and I think it was that but maybe it was a different thing. The chat was like:
Me: (joking, referencing English class) “5 tips for dealing with stress”.
N and some more people start talking bout that.
S: “Number 5, masturbation”
B: “Wait, for real tho, that releases a lot of stress”
M3: “B WHAT IS THAT COMMENT?!”
B: “Reasons why I keep going:”
And today they were joking about S draping with his left hand because he is left handed. I didn’t know that comment would be such a deal but I guess it did.
The thing is B and S are really close and it is funny because not only I want to be like them, but I also want their relationship. They literally went out at lunch time and came back 1h or so later. They were at the fucking park, together, alone, I was never alone with someone at the park.
I feel extremely alone and today has been a hard hit, and I expect to go even worse. I’m not ready but again, I’ll do some miracle.
I was planning on leaving my biography (really shortened just the important things I remember) written like in doing with my daily life, and I’ll do soon, I just don’t have the energy for doing it today at all.
I also feel more pressured to studying typology and guitar but I fucking can’t, I can’t. I fucked up getting inside aibi with a goddamn major depressive disorder, those grandma chromosomes hitting hard.
My plan with this emotional situation is slowly making everyone in class more familiar with my story, and hopefully not venting but letting some stuff filter and making it part of everyone’s knowledge. Don’t get confused, nobody is gonna know my deep shit, but the first step was claiming I was not OK and it is a progress. Maybe if I try this I will evolve better and leave this disorder slowly behind (hopefully).
Things I crave REALLY hard today, that make me wanna ugh:
Love and touch, like for real, I would do anything to hug B, (or anyone, but specially B since he is my fixation) but again I can’t.
Being prettier. Fucking shit why is S so handsome and why did I spend 20 minutes looking ant myself in the bathroom mirror and moving around like a crazy 90yo?
That’s it lesgooo. What a day of thinking holy fucking shit. This is a new joke w me cause I got the highest grade in philosophy but maybe I’ll end up as philosopher. I’m so much an sp5w4 541 TiNi Phleg-Mel it’s crazy.
p0:24
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