And here we are. in So Far Away

You’re all caught up.
This leads us to where we are now.
He spent yesterday in his office again, and then later came out to pack for his business trip.
He didn’t touch his phone, leaving it on the charger on the kitchen counter.
I asked him to go for a walk with me, and he obliged.
We started out silent, but I asked him if he was ready for his trip.
He shrugged and said he was, he just had a few more things to do.
I reached for his hand to hold, and at first he pulled it away but then he relaxed.
I looked towards him, and he continued to look at the ground.
When we got back to the house, he resumed getting ready for his trip.
He helped me cook dinner, and then we watched some TV. Uneventful.
He went to bed early, and I stayed on the couch for a while.
He got up early, showered, kissed my forehead and left.
I know he arrived at his location about 20 minutes ago, and I’m hoping he sends a message.
I’m completely on edge, I feel bad for my reaction on Saturday.
He hasn’t made me feel guilty, he hasn’t said I was in the wrong for reacting the way I did.
He’s been nothing but respectful of my feelings and emotions, and my requests.
I want to just drop it and move on, but at the same time I want to see what happens next.
My mom told me to never make tally marks in a relationship, and to not hold my feelings in.
She told me to talk about my feelings as they arise, so I don’t blow up like I did.
I want to talk to him and apologize, but at the same time I still feel upset.
I guess we’ll see where things go from here…
I’m going to work hard at getting my body back to where it was when we first started our relationship.
We had met at the gym, I was in very good shape.
I’ve gained 15 pounds since then, I’m now 5‘2” and 120lbs. My goal is to get back to 100-105 range like I was.
I am going to dye my hair back to blonde, and take better care of myself.
If I want my marriage to work, if I want him to desire me - I need to put effort in as well.
I did some reflecting, and I realize I’ve been neglecting him. I’m not excusing anything by saying this.
I’ve been neglecting to take better care of myself as well, I’ve grown comfortable and let myself go.
He still goes to the gym almost daily, and if he doesn’t go there; he works out at home or goes for a run.
His body is still in the same shape, actually better than it was when we first started dating.
He maintained himself for these 11 years, and I just got lazy. For that, I am sorry.
I need to reconnect with my husband, I need to get his attention back and we need to get back to being best friends.