Today was pretty normal. School was normal and the whole day was kinda OK at school. I saw some videos of my classmates’ prom parties and stuff, it was fun.
I ate at P’s with Granny (got her rib fissures last week), Grandpa and brother. Normal, didn’t really talk.
At home I felt bad, just sad and tired for no reason. Played on the laptop for an hour, did all the homework and then played for like other 30 mins and it’s now 11pm.
Today’s happenings:
I got an obsession with this song “me and your mama” - Childish Gambino, specially the part where he sings “girl you really got a hold on me”. I just really like it. That got me a new hate for today: my voice, I wish a pretty voice.
I saw lots of videos and photos of prom and last year’s trip. They had a lot of fun both at the beach and at the party. That got me another hate for today, but this one was more complex: I wish to be them, but in the sense of unconditionally being happy and enjoying things such as that travel. This is connected with wishing their body, personality etc. 5w4 thought
I hated doing my homework, I even got stuck on a math exercise. That got me the last hate I for today: I wish to keep my abilities in math (at least), being incapable of solving that made me almost panic, if I can’t do the only thing I know how to do, I feel like I’ll be useless.
Those were my happenings for today.
Yesterday’s and previous happenings:
I wrote smut yesterday. It was supposed to be for the class’ fic (nobody was working so I had to do something) but it got too personal accidentally, nobody has read it.
I think I crave love harder lately.
Overall, all the days were pretty much the same, and class is going well when referring to people, I like it.
Thoughts of today:
Envy and avarice are a horrid combination.
5w4 serie
I am beginning to only see what I want and need from other people. When I look or think about somebody I can just imagine my cravings and hate myself from the envy. I want it all, but I feel like I have nothing but my ability to think, and I’m afraid of losing it so I’m leaving everything on written proof.
From almost all people I see, I want their body.
From many people I want their academic abilities.
I want to play an instrument (violin).
I want to speak more languages.
I want to be loved (sexualize myself).
I want better social skills (real skills, not fake confidence).
I compulsively want all I see and I can’t stop blaming myself unconsciously for not having it. I feel on the edge of crying almost constantly and have absolutely destroying mood swings. Today was specially meaningless for me.
Father’s blame.
I actually got this thought like 30 minutes ago. I was going to tell him I was going to bed (with cold, dry and soulless words) and he started talking to me about the football match that was going on. He looked as amused as a child with a stick. I listened in silence while I waited for him to finish talking. I left without saying anything, he didn’t react and kept watching the match.
I feel like the bad guy right now.
My intuition without proper reasoning dictates now: I feel like the bad guy because the way he seems stupid to me makes me feel like I’m messing with someone inferior that doesn’t understand the consequence of his actions. In fact he is the bad buy and doesn’t even care who is, since this dilemma isn’t in his head. When he tells me I’m treating him badly, he’s just manipulating me into being the way he wants.
Conclussion: I’m acting the right way.
Today I hated:
(The usual)
My body
My face
My mood
My social skills
My voice
My hair (it looks bad, I want it longer)
My academic abilities
Things I’m looking forward to:
Tomorrow: Nobody from other b’s is going to class, just like us 7 and 9 or 10 dorm the rest fo the class, half the school is at home.
Saturday -I’m going with the 3 switchs, cosplay and everything, gr.
Halloween - No sweater, it’s too hot. We didn’t even buy it anyways.
That’s it for today I believe. I’m listening to NL4 and I’m planning to update from time to time.
23:52
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