Day 1: Write about “the unknown” as it pertains to you.
I feel my need to know anything to make the unrelenting emptiness constantly aching inside of me stop has lead me to a place of knowing too much. At least, I believe I know too much. I was raised in the Baptist church but that never resonated & I knew it wasn’t my path. I have always been drawn to things considered “witchcraft” or ideas that align with Satanism as well. I felt ancient the day I was born & have well formed, detailed memories from before science says I should. As I ventured into Wicca, learning all I could, it felt much closer but still not quite right. When I finally felt things making sense, I had began teaching myself quantum physics & energy work. I now consider myself (& believe others are but not all realize it), an alchemist. I believe we are here to learn to transmute energy.
Along with these beliefs came some rude awakenings. I linger now, on all the situations I could have improved for myself & others if only I could have accepted at the time that I was not a helpless victim. None of us are. In some ways this has been empowering, in others it has caused even deeper shame & guilt & self blame for me to drown in on the dreary nights I fall out of my mania.
In some instances I also feel like all the suffering I went through, all the trauma I survived, were so unnecessary. Obviously, we could all do without trauma, but to be faced with the possibility that things could have gone so differently if only I had known my power & place & path in those moments. If only instead of just knowing something was “off” I had actually remembered who I am & why I’m here. It makes sense, of course, why we have to forget at the start of each new life, but I do think we could benefit just as much with more reminders.
I feel so let down by my “higher self.” If the part of me, my soul, who has accumulated wisdom unfathomable to me in this human brain, was standing there all along, knowing what I needed and how to obtain it but saying nothing I was able to hear…. What’s the point? What good am I to me if all I do is show up & observe?
When I die, when I exit this life, I think I will still be so angry with myself. Where we go after, some say we are met with unconditional love & understanding & then remember all we were supposed to learn in the life we just lived. I don’t think I will be able to forgive myself, even in that safe space.
In another aspect of knowing too much, I have also robbed myself of hobbies & passions that once excited me beyond measure. I have always been so interested in cryptids, demons, all kinds of entities from realms we can’t see. I have had experiences with hauntings & other things that sparked so much curiosity in me that at times gave me the will to continue living when nothing else could. I am saddened now, by all of the discoveries I have made in searching for a way to be better at being a human, because the things once so obscure & curious to me just feel like stories. I am currently forcing myself out of a slump in which my own skepticism threatens my interest in the longest running love of my life, horror genres. I know things are finally starting to excite me again, but it has been several years of pushing myself constantly to continue enjoying the fear and unknown and convincing myself I haven’t learned all there is to know, and there is still so much terrifyingly magnificent magic and adventure in this world.
For once I am looking to silence the logical part of my brain instead of just looking for it. I need to convince myself I unknow the unknown again.
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