17 in love at 17

Maybe everyone is right, maybe I just need to learn how to be alone, but in my heart I know I’ll still be waiting for you subconsciously. Today I drove past your house and I just wanted to go tell you how I feel even if you didn’t feel the same way anymore. Just to get it off my chest. Today, I really wanted to get this off my chest but I can’t. I have to keep all these feelings and emotions to myself because I’m afraid you you’ll think I’m pathetic, or crazy, or psychotic, or all three combined for expressing this. I know you probably think that I’m not worth it but I’d give anything for you to give me that one last shot, a real shot: no lies, no secrets, no hiding, no bullshit. I just want us to have love, trust, openness, and honesty. I’m living in my own fantasy by thinking there’s a world where we can be us again. I know to you I wasn’t worth it and I’m still not worth it, but to me, you’re so worth it, imperfections and all, you’re the guy for me, always have been since the day I first realized I loved you. You are the one I want to make love with, and talk to for hours, and cuddle with, and sing stupid love songs with. It’s you! You’re the person I want to share my success and happiness with. It’s always been and will forever be you. I know we can never be, but I really hope that one day you can prove me wrong about that.
– TIME PASSES, THINGS OCCURRED –
It sucks wanting someone that really doesn’t mind whether you’re in their life or not. I thought I had a plan all mapped out and this sick little fantasy of me and you finally making things work, but I’m all in my head with this… Like it’s not actually happening. And I’m not being negative, I’ve just been blinding myself from the truth, hoping that maybe you’ll change your mind and feel what I feel. A part of my plan was to not have sex with you cause I wanted to build an actual connection, but I let my lust over power my mind and my actions. And also, you kept signaling for it through words and actions, so in the back of my mind I knew that’s what you wanted from me. The only time you’re affectionate is when we are about to have sex, not when we are just sitting in a car or talking on your bed and that’s the shit that drives me crazy cause you say things like “if I have sex with you, it won’t be just sex” and I believe you 100% and then after its done you hold me and lay on me and I still believe you. But then that’s all over and we get dressed and I go. And when I go I don’t really hear from you, and if I do hear from you it’s just like I’m any regular girl. That’s when I develop a doubt. A little voice in my head saying “I’m just easy pussy, “ “naive pussy,” “gullible pussy.” But I fight that voice in my head cause I want to believe that it actually meant something to you. And that’s the thing, I never know whether anything I do or we do is ever as significant to you as it is to me. And if you just wanna be friends then tell me that, and I’ll stop pushing so much, I got the impression that you wanted to try again with me, but if I’m wrong just tell me. And if you don’t see yourself ever loving me then just tell me. I’m not going to lie and say I’d be okay with just being friends with you, but if you don’t want me like that and you’ll never love me like that, then I’ll adjust cause you know I’d do anything to keep you in my life.
– TIME PASSES, a text I sent to him–
“I know you’re not gonna respond to this so I’ll just say what I need to say. Rhetorical questions actually: why do you not like people who have feelings? They’re just an emotion, it’s not that serious. Why do you want to act so hard like you don’t have feelings in general? What’s the point? I don’t know what the world or “humans” did to you to make you act like that. It really gets to me cause I know you’re not like that all the time. I know I’m younger than you so I would expect this kind of behavior from someone around my age or younger but I thought you, out of all people, would be mature enough to at least tell me sooner that you no longer want to fuck with me cause I’m “human” which is like the most lamest excuse ever btw. Like really just think about it, it sounds childish. I hit you up like a million times thinking we were still good cause I thought we were having a good time but you love love love switching it up on me like every other week. That’s okay though cause I know my feelings aren’t gonna change. I’ll just give you your space til you stop acting like that cause I know you wanna be mr. Heartless hard body that dislikes humans lol. I’m not ashamed to be “human” and have feelings. If I didn’t have any I’d prob be even more boring than you already think I am 😂. I fuck with me cause I’m pretty awesome. Maybe one day you’ll realize”
–TIME PASSES, HE STILL DID NOT WANT ME BUT I KEPT TRYING, WE STOPPED TALKING, I BEGAN DATING ANOTHER GUY, A SUPER NICE AMAZING GUY IN HOPES OF MOVING ON–
I feel like I traded places with my ex. I’m just as cold hearted as he was. Everything I hated about him, I became. I always told myself I would never be like him, but here I am, I’m just like him in different skin. I thought I had a warm heart, but after this break up, I’m feeling like my heart was an ice box in disguise. I never realized that I couldn’t feel. I just wanted to feel what he felt and I wanted to want him as much as he wanted me… But I couldn’t. What’s wrong with me? How could I not want to be with a person that only wants to love me and have me in their life? I made him believe I loved him, hell, I made myself believe that I loved him. He is perfect in every way, a few faults here and there, but those tiny flaws drew me insane. His point of views and opinions were like nails scraping on a chalk board. As each word came out his mouth about school and money, I cringed. It came to a point where I just cracked. My mind opened, my heart shut up, and I made my spontaneous decision to break a heart that only deserved to be loved. Most would say, Those flaws weren’t enough to break two people up, but to me it was enough to kiss my future with them goodbye. We would never be on the same page. It only hurts because I know what it’s like to be in his position, not fully knowing why I’m not worthy of the other persons love. It’s not fair. Nothing is ever fair. He doesn’t deserve what I’m doing to him. What ever happened to me? The warm part of my heart is gone… I feel like my ex took it from me.
– At this point I’m 18 turning 19 and just broke up with the best boyfriend I ever had to date (I’m 26 going on 27 now)–
TBC