Wow, I've been really chatty here. Can't know why, I don't think there's a reason behind it, really. I don't really have people to talk to in real life; it's always behind a screen and somehow, it just doesn't work anymore. I haven't been depressed, which is good, but I've been seeing the gap stretch between my friends and me and it's a bit sad, gotta be honest. I've been trying to invite them over, to go see them, etc., but it doesn't fix anything. I'm never someone they would reach to when in need or to talk to. It's always our other friends. Let's say I don't feel like I'm that close to them anymore, like our talks are superficial as shit and it bothers me to no end. I can't have these thoughtful talks with them, these talks that make you think about life and your values and shit I miss that. I miss being able to sit somewhere and smile and listen to them, while giving my two cents once in a while, I miss not having to force communication.
It's not like I can talk about what bothers me either as I always have the impression it's not important to them, that they have something else to talk about, like pokemons, their rps (which I'm not part of, despite having a character, writing with them) or Final Fantasy or anything really. I can't talk about how I don't want to own anything beside my bed, my books and a packsack, how I want to eventually be able to fit all my belongings in a bag and never be bothered with the rest. When I do talk about that, they instantly worry I'm going to kill myself which is just not happening. 2012 was two years ago, my future belongs to me and I want to live . Not owning anything is such a direct opposite to Collin's views, it's a little bit scary, gotta be honest. I suppose it's going to be difficult to find the middle ground in this situation, me with my need for emptiness so I can fill one space with myself, my emotions, my persona and his need to surround himself with objects. I suppose it's going to be hard for us to accommodate each other. I can see ourselves needing to split what room is to whom (my office will most likely have a desk, my computer and a bookshelf. I will not tolerate anything else in it, per example). It's definitely going to be interesting.
I sold maybe the third of my belongings because it was taking space in my home and it trapped me inside a building. So I sold the PS3, the 3DS, the games, the headset. I sold the iPad, which was a good commodity but I wanted to spend time outside, not hooked on a computer or a tablet. Then I sold the camera, which I barely used. I sold the printer, the keyboards that were gathering dust, I sold a DVD player and some other shits too. It felt nice to go get money for that, keeping only my bike, my bags, my computer and my furniture for now. It's like, I don't need all the rest, what I have is enough. Now I'm contemplating selling some furniture as well but my closet is barely big enough for a part of the clothes I have so unless I find a rack that I can put in my room, I don't think it's going to be possible to get rid of my clotheshelves. I want to get rid of the books that I don't care about anymore. Most of Haruki Murakamis are staying with me though and same for my Lord of the Rings. I don't think I'm gonna keep my Game of Thrones. It's a good read but long, oh so long and I don't find any pleasure in re-reading that universe. My Nesbo are going too. One read is enough. Same thing for these Clark books. Not keeping them. Damn, I may have enough of one bookshelf, at the end of the day. I'll part with one desk on two. I'm probably going to sell it on kijiji or something.
I don't want to be dependent on the material I own to be happy. I want that happiness to come perfectly free and without conditions. I don't want to be happy because I play video games, I want to be happy with myself, about what I do and who I am. I want to hide my head in books and read until my head is full of ideas and concepts I haven't dreamed off before, then I want to go skip on my merry way because I'll be content to be assimilating new concepts. I don't want to relay on the material world because it. is. useless. What happens when it breaks? You feel sad? You go buy another one? Yeah, no. It's not ok for me. I want to feel sad, happy, depressed, joyful, exhilarated for reasons that belong to me and not my environment. I've had enough of lies and false impressions and false feelings. I just want my room to be about me, and everything that is me.
Damn, it's a fun, weird feeling and I'm glad I was able to reach it now.
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