today has quickly turned into a moment where i feel very irrelevant. i feel trapped and stuck. there is a large part of me that wants to move near boston. its where i have always wanted to live since i moved away as a kid. my brother is there. some cousins are there. but yesterday my brother called me to tell me about a job opportunity he may have later in the year that will bring him back to nyc. i don't know if i could do moving to a place like boston without someone like him nearby. i know i can't stay here. i just can't.
out of boredom and desperation, i've joined multiple online dating sites. so far i've come up with the same results on every one - absolutely nothing. i don't get many messages that are incredibly perverted or anything. but i get a lot of messages from guys that don't really even seem like they made an effort. a message that just says "hi" doesn't get my attention. do you want to tell me more about yourself? why did you even message me in the first place? maybe i'm discarding some decent guys too soon? (unlikely) i respond to guys who write more than one sentence. for a brief time i was going back and forth with a guy who actually seemed to be "my type". but then randomly, he said he plans on joining the peace corp and will be leaving the country. ok? there are better ways to say that you lost interest or met someone else than by saying you're leaving the country!! but whatever. it is what it is.
this loneliness is consuming me. i am mad all of the time. all.of.the.time. and i can't stop it. i even will start out a day telling myself i'm going to let things just roll off but then something irritating beyond belief happens and i'm back in my black little cloud. i just need something positive. something good. something that makes me feel like i matter.
this isn't how i thought my adulthood would be. and its so discouraging and it makes me so sad. this life of mine has truly been quite pointless. i want to fight through this, i do. i know i'm stronger than i give myself credit for. i just don't know what to do.
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