I am starting to feel as if I have no direction. Like I am living aimlessly. I do not feel successful. I cannot pin down my motivations. I feel cooped up in these four walls. Whenever I leave, I always return right back.
I feel as if I am consistently fighting with my own mental states. Trying to juggle, compress, express. They feel jumbled and consecutive. I am concerned for myself.
It has felt like - up until this point, my sole life purpose was to love. Give love, receive love. It was my constant wish. And not unlike many others aspirations that have fallen short, it is beginning to lose its lustre. No longer a shiny ideal in the distance - I am faced with the treacherous reality of the life of my own making.
I sit here, entrenched in a sorrowful anxiety. I avoid University work. My confidence feels bolstered. It feels beaten and bruised and locked away somewhere. My attempts at motivating myself fall short.
Perhaps I am not living the life that is right for me.
What does that mean?
It is remarkably easier to observe my own flucuations when it feels as if my goals have been achieved. But lately - my dissatisfaction has been eating my brain. It does not feel like a rot - it feels like a buzzing lull. A tired-eyed reluctance. A fear, an avoidance.
An avoidance of what?
By all means I am grateful. I am thankful. But not thankful with myself. I cann feel sorry for myself. I am privileged, I know that I am in control.
So,
here is a diary of shadow work.
I will try my best to divulge each topic with honesty. I will forgive myself. I will love.
Loading comments...