Once, I asked my friend if she had felt failure. She told me that she had.
I asked her, out of a deep seated urge to perhaps stand apart, if it was a jumping-from-a-cliff kind of failure. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I said and why I did in the first place. But I did.
She told me that she hadn’t. I told her that I did. There wasn’t any reply or silence to process it. We immediately delved into the next conversation. But I don’t know if it bothers her, it might if she considers me a friend.
That is not what I want to say. I want to talk about the nature of failure. The way failure works is almost cathartic sometimes, the emancipation of the guilt to deserve any little amount of happiness you were, because you don’t deserve any. It is also a blade, taking a stride on the skin, so firm that it won’t get in and let you bleed it out at once. You have to wear that sharp object on yourself. Hyperventilation? Grief? I often think about great people who died when I reach the apex of the curve of failure I reside in. And then I think about the people who died and I don’t even know. Died when they shouldn’t have, as they say. As if there’s a should to it and how it should be.
Everything is very tentative. Sometimes I feel the reason I take everything little so heavy on my shoulders is because I can’t function without knowing that I am troubled. And I am not troubled, I make up all of it. I can hear the silence of midnights in my neighbourhood, they assure me I am not troubled. Not as much as them. But I don’t know about this measure. How stupid is this measure.
Failure is our nature, a consequence of living a life to which some thought has gone to. As someone who is not anywhere I know of anymore said, “there is failure in man as in all things.” And I don’t know. But it’s a heavy sob in my dreams post the crying about it to bed.
And if you’ve had a failure, any failure, I don’t want to tell you that it gets better. I don’t think I can say that without knowing you, your circumstances but I can tell you that it is only humane to fail and you are but human. I wish I would be there with you to help you through this because a hand sometimes, really helps. Really. Take care :)
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