Entry #1
I’ve been writing a lot of books today. I’ve been mass releasing chapters to get it enlisted into a contract for WebNovel recently. Not going to lie, it was sure hella fun to hyperfocus while highly caffeinated. Stalkers are welcome, whatever your intentions are, I’d love to see what you can do. So yeah, anyway, if “my stalker”, if I had any, has a diary, I’d love to see you post here, and write all about me many times a day until I find you here, probably even marry you.
Entry #2
Today, I woke up around 8:30 in the morning. I sat up to gradually adjust my vision, then I stood up slowly aghast in front of the mirror. I walked to the bathroom to wash my face, then waltzed towards the kitchen grounds to drink two glasses of water. That is until I cleansed my face with facial care products given by my dermatologist. Skincare is part of my routine. I did a bit of stretching, abs work out, and an hour of meditation. Then, I went to eat a hearty breakfast, chugged a cup of triple shots of espresso.
Then, I meditated a bit more, took my antipsychotics, antidepressants, and mood stabilizers. 2mg of RisperiDONE, 10mg of Lexapro, and 500mg of Lithium. Then, I went to my knife collection and sharpened my favorite butterfly knife. I left an offering to Nyarlathotep, the Great Old One at his altar down the basement.
So far, so good. Then, I came back to my usual computer routine.
Entry #3
If I want a stalker, she would be obsessed with me, and she’d be crazy just like me. I want to have someone where I don’t have to be alone for being crazy all the time. Society doesn’t understand me, so they reject me from their community. I’m an outcast to the world, and feel like everyone is plotting against me. I just can’t deal with this loneliness, but sometimes I feel complete solitude. Regardless, the feelings are what I feel at the same time.
Regardless, as someone with a psychosocial disability (schizoaffective disorder), it’s hard to try to make friends. I’ve been alone all this time and I just want to fit in with society, to the point I start pleasing everyone by pretending to be different people towards different types of persons I meet when it comes to social interaction. I’ve known the social game for a long time and I know how I can get to please anyone. But the longer I do this, makes me feel distant from my true self, to the co-poinnt beyond of no return.
I’m not “me” anymore. I’m just a fabricated personality that doesn’t exist in the mundane world, and I am completely alone…
Entry #4 Doomer To Joker
The generation of our society “are” beyond help. And I am afraid to admit I am one of Gen Z. Just one more year older I’m already a Millennial. I can’t seem to fit in anywhere between the two as an early Gen Z.
Generation Z’s perspective of “LOVE” is stupid. And our generation is doomed in every aspect other than just love. That is why I will never find the one that will be suitable for me. There are no such thing as “healthy relationships” anymore, they normalize cheating, they romanticize toxic behavior, and beyond that more as well.
I just want someone who actually cares for my mental and emotional wellbeing. I was part of the Millennial generation back in the day when everything was so simple. Sure, boomers hated “us” Millennials but we weren’t stupid. But “us Millennials” hate Gen Z for their stupidity, and the cycle repeats. But at least our trends don’t include throwing coffee at the McDonald’s drivethrough for a “prank” for views. We weren’t narcissists who take advantage of the poor people who deserve better just for internet fame, we don’t cause problems that are borderline criminal activities inside Walmart that the poor minimum wage workers have to clean up for their mess when they just want to finish their shift so they can pay their rent in time.
Back then, the bushfire in Australia was trending and every narcissist paid their respects, but after a month they stop giving a damn about it, after they recorded themselves crying with their expensive latest iPhones. But to this day in 2022, the bushfire in Australia is still going and it’s worse than it was the first day, and who cares? No one. They only follow trends for internet fame, they know what they’re doing, they’re going along with the NPC’s of our world just for sympathy points.
I’m just going to play Skyrim for a while, and wait for a stalker to come and love me… </3 through me, to you
Entry #5 Manic Psychotic Episode
I was on an online discord server for “yanderes”. I’m not sure if I am one, but anyway-
I keep talking too much, typing too much, spamming too many messages of everything I want to say. I can’t control it. Was it the caffeine? Was it the trauma from last night? Well I don’t know really, I don’t know what caused this manic episode to start to the point I’m typing too fast and I am feeling extremely delirious. Some people are annoyed in the chat, some of them are trying to calm me down, and the owner there was actually nice, the owner loves it when I’m active and talking there. They even gave me a hug. But the thing is, this is my only way of coping with extreme stress and major anxiety. I really can’t control it I already took my meds this morning!
Entry #??!?!!?!? I forgor lmao
So anyway, last night, I was ugh… something happened and it’s so hard to remember yet so hard to forget. Then, ever since, it made me emotionally numb like a robot with no emotions at all for the entire night and couldn’t sleep. Then, I woke up positive and productive, then I slowly went up like a rollercoaster and now I’m going up and down and up and down and asdnaksjdkl;asjd IDK ANYMORE!
I’m going crazy! I got hyper, I got happy, I got idk THERES SO MUCH POSITIVE EMOTIONS INSIDE ME ITS UNHEALTHY! BUT I LOVE THE FEELING!
They Want Me To Shut Up
My hyperactivity is my coping mechanism with my depression and anxiety. I talk too much, I move around too much, and I never stop or shut up about everything I am doing all at once. And people on the Discord Server seems to hate that, they hate me. I just want friends, I’m just being myself. Society tells me to be myself and I’ll be loved and accepted, but when I do so, everyone starts hating me and they want me to be someone else I’m not. I’m tired of this social dilemma! I just want friends who truly accept me!
Can they blame me? I’m suicidal
Can they blame me for acting hyperactive and going wild talking too much? I was known for being annoying and instead of having to criticize me, they acted extremely toxic towards me like a goddamned nazi trolling on Reddit and 4chan. Have people have no shame? Acting like this? The reason for my hyperactivity was because I attempted suicide last night due to too much loneliness!
And when I told them this, they just encouraged me to kill myself more. People are fucking terrible, society is terrible, everyone are terrible. I just want to be loved and cared for. But no one cares because I’m a “man” with a fragile masculinity due to my mental disorders that are beyond my control, despite I am on max dosage of seven different types of medications.
I feel like a doomer wojak slowly turning the fucking Joker. My life is a tragedy. And if my life is a joke, God has a sick and twisted sense of humor. They know I’m psychosocially disabled, why do they discriminate more then? I just want friends, I’m so lonely..
This is why I dont socialize
I tried to make friends, but they push me away because I’m not perfect, because I don’t follow trends, because I’m not their stereotype, because I don’t have the same music taste as they do, because I only like underrated artists, because I like underrated tastes, because I’m not the type to follow things I don’t even like and they feed me their bullshit.
I tried to be friendly, I tried to make jokes, I tried to be fun, but everyone just don’t really want me to be a part of them. They even criticize me for the smallest things other than having to be polite about their criticism, and just judge me the most toxic way possible.
I know sometimes I can be a hypocrite, but everyone’s a hypocrite. Not everyone are perfect.
The leader of the group friend judges me, and everyone laughs. But when I kill his ego by criticizing their imperfections that mirrors mine, they break down and the entire group friend tries to bring me down and see me as a villain. It’s not fair.
Obsessive Intrusive Thoughts about dating
Fuck this shit I’m taking antipsychotics!!!
Just Woke Up
I just woke up, and I already have a lot of anxiety.
Potential Stalker hacked my gmail?
I got logged out on all of my devices from my email. And it notified me that there was a suspicious activity of a virus in my computer (I never downloaded anything, I havent pirated games in a long time because it became illegal in my country, when back then it used to be the norm here), and it was trying to log into all of my accounts…
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