SELF-NUMBING ALL THE WAY ... in LIFE IN THE TIMES OF CORONA: The Real-Life Twilight Zone
- Sept. 27, 2022, 7:05 a.m.
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- Public
I think I’m deteriorating, but I find myself not caring. Should I be worried? Should I call for help?
Should I just keep quiet and let it pass when it does? I mean, I know it always passes. I just detest the whole, somewhat painful process.
The newly-stoic beings will probably tell me that it’s only in my head. It’s just my self-projection, right? The ghosts of my past are not real. They never have been. I must be the crazy one here like they’ve always said.
Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. I don’t want to think about that right now.
So here I am again – self-numbing myself all the way. Is it cruel of me for wanting to take a break from my own feelings? Am I wicked for feeling tired of caring – especially way too much?
Right now, I just want to stop caring … like once again.
R.
Deleted user ⋅ September 27, 2022
The ghosts of your past are only memories you return to. You give them life by going back into the cellar to visit them. I know all this so well in deciding to give that shit up. It is normal. What helps is to look around where you are in this moment and see that THAT is all that is real. Fuck trying to imagine what others may think or what they may SAY. It does not matter. I don't think any of us are in a popularity test. IF you find someone is talking negative to you ignore them. Surround yourself with positive people. The past happened and it cannot hurt you now. Done and over. Gone. Look outside yourself not inside. Outside is NOW. Inside is shit you can no longer change unless you want to change your perceptions. You are ok and you will be fine. Judge yourself only as human fallible and trying to do your best then pat yourself on the back for that. I wish you all good:-)
author Deleted user ⋅ September 27, 2022
Thank you. :)
Deleted user author ⋅ September 27, 2022
I have been in therapy. On Prozac and it helps. Was suicidal. Got over that. Anxiety and depression due largely to having lost a factory job of 43 boo hoo me years ;-) It's like a drug going back down memory lane but a sick drug. I like looking at this screen now as I type. School days and childhood cannot be changed. Only how I see them. My monsters of the past cannot be beaten. Accept them as in the past and move on and avoid (as I do now) those that were are recent present. You are welcome. I say what has worked for and helped me.