Who, What, When, Where, Why and Thank you in Lost

For the better part of my adult life I have been out of step, broken, and overwhelmed with sadness. I learned in my early 30’s that I was lied to time and time again when I would bluntly ask for the truth. Family is supposed to be honest and help guide me when needed. There were so many things that said “yes” but I was always told “no”. I was content with my life always wondering and not really knowing. One warm evening I got a phone call from a family member that needed to vent, and he knew that I was always ready to lend an ear and help him if needed. In the midst of our conversation, he dropped the shoe I thought was nice and snug in the back of the closet. “Your brother went off on me because he was pissed at me for blank” So I asked him, why would he be pissed at you for that? The response I got stopped me dead in my tracks. “Because you are adopted and it’s not…” I stopped him in his tracks and made him say it again. Here it is many years later and I’m still trying to process the information. I have been on a very long journey to find out where I came from, what makes me who I am, and am I truly alone? I don’t talk to many people about the stuff that runs through my mind because I feel worn down and broken in every way a person can be and I don’t want to drag anyone else down with me. I continue to wake up every morning with a fake smile on my face and continue to be kind to everyone while holding back the pain. I’m pretty sure that I’m doing very well because no one knows there is pain behind a broken smile. This year has been the hardest for me. I have to say there are about a week of memories that I can say have brought me pure joy. I owe these memories to my 2 best friends, both of whom are men. One has made things sad for me as of late and the other is still just as amazing as ever. I can’t seem to find the words to tell him how much his kindness and patience has helped me get through some tough times. I just hope he knows how much his friendship means to me. Maybe one day I can tell him that because of him and his silly jokes and how he makes me relax to be able to be myself and has kept me holding on. cries