Sometimes I feel mentally unstable. Anxiety. I feel like I can't face the world. I know I am capable. But suddenly I feel so insecure. It is choking. I wonder if I am agoraphobic because in my own home I never feel nervous. Even if my fiancé can be controlling (or I should say can "try" to be controlling), I hold my ground comfortable, always coming back with some sort of clever quip.
When you meet me, you would probably never know I have social anxiety. I am good with people. I am good at carrying on conversations, asking about you, remembering things you've told me for the most part. But I would never tell you I smoke pot. It would take months of talking to me almost daily for me to tell you that.
I'm pretty sure people constantly debate in their own minds whether or not I'm 17 or 45 years old. Lately, ever since I stopped using what is the apparent demon known as Proactiv, my fucking forehead looks and feels like it was sprayed with acid about 90% of the time. It's starting to finally look more normal again I think, fingers crossed. I can't keep weight off for the life of me no matter how much I run around and most of the time I can't quit eating so that's probably the problem. I hate being around people. They just piss me off or are dumb and the prospect of seeing almost all of them nearly sends me in to depression-coma. My grandma makes me sad since my grandpa passed away and as much as I want to be there for her, it tears me apart. My parents just don't understand and seem like they are on their own planet. For example, my mom told my grandma (aka Nana) about 2 or 3 months after my grandpa passed that "she needs to get over it sometime". Cruel. That kind of input is toxic, your only job is to be supportive and help with quality time. I go out for lunch with Nana every Thursday and never once have I gotten on her case about what "she needs to do". I have given her ideas for things to try, but not only does she need to make her own decisions to be happy, but she is also your mother (and has been a damned good one to not only you, but pretty much an entire town full of people) and deserves respect. I want to make no mistake, I love my parents, they have done so much for me & I am so incredibly grateful, but they are children. My dad had a drunken rampage like 2 weeks after my Papa passed where he held a gun on my mom, cousin, and aunt. My dad is respectable in our community and a good businessman and no one would ever suspect. I grew up with him and my mom physically fighting my entire childhood. I have these memories and I can't seem to let them go. Crying to my Nana, saying things like, "why can't they just grow up?". I always had to be the adult or was FORCED to listen to them argue. If I put on headphones in the car while they argued, my dad would make me take them off and listen. I was an only child until I was 18 and now at 27, I have 3 siblings, but I went through all that alone except for my Nana, Papa, cousins, aunts, and uncles that happened to be there.
At 15, I got a severe allergic reaction to a medication called Stephen Johnson's Syndrome. Google it. I remember thinking I was going to die and my mom and Nana both admitted later that they thought I was too. I remember my mom holding me in a lazy boy style rocking chair and crying to her, saying that no boy would ever find me attractive again because I had deep hives from the waist up (including inside my mouth, eye sockets, and scalp. I couldn't see for about a week or speak for about 2 weeks. It happened around my birthday and seeing the videotape from that birthday breaks my heart. I cry about so much more than I did when I was younger. I feel like such a baby. Sometimes my only relief from myself is to get drunk, but then I run the risk of being sick because it could go either way.
I have a busy schedule between my insurance sales/service & office manager position, full-time college, family/friend pleasing, fiancé, dog, and foster-rescue-dog so this makes it difficult. I also want a cat. Alas, I am not dumb, but I'm still a dreamer nonetheless. I feel deprived not having a cat. But that's another can of worms, I suppose.
For now, I must sleep.
Guten nacht.
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