Drained in A life unfulfilled

I was alone up until 4:30 Am when my mom came home from the casino. I was feeling terrible for telling her that she shouldn’t because She always drinks one to many. I will never judge her because she’s suffering so much I kind of want her numb to. Except she gets home and she calls her husband and I can hear her yelling at him through the thick walls. He won’t listen though and probably never will. My mom’s asking for more but I refuse and we go to bed. She falls asleep in 5 minutes but I stay awake for another hour to make sure everything is settled and safe. I went to sleep around 6 and woke up at 8. I feel terrible. We get up and once again they leave and I’m alone but I’m too sleepy and hungry to get fustrated. Hours pass and we’re still here at a friends and I’m counting the mili seconds to come home. Home is 2 hours away but I’m so tired all I can think of is sleep. I haven’t slept well in over a week. After many tears we drive back and I swear it felt like I drove to Mexico and back. Lord.. We buy canes and I eat my food but after a while I felt nauseous. Not because it was nasty but because it’s been 2 days without a whole meal. My mom and siblings fell asleep and I’m writing. I feel this tiredness and exhaustion but I can’t cry and I’m not mad. I feel like I’m walking on air or a cloud. My heart hurts to a point that I can’t tell if I’m extremely depressed or I’m used to it. I feel the pressure of crying behind my eyes but nothing comes out. I feel blank as if my deep consciousness was writing this. If only you could see my face. I have bags and my lips are white but I’ve been sweating all day. My eyes and my head are heavy and If I could hit myself in the back of the head to fall asleep I would. I’m drinking a corona and watching twilight. I feel so wierd I don’t think it’s normal not to cry but what would I know. It feels tiring holding everything back but if I broke down I’d have no one to help me back up. I wish I was at the ocean and walking towards the waves and just fall in there. I want peace and I want fresh air. I felt like I haven’t had a chance to breathe but then again I’m sure somewhere out there, there’s someone who’s also struggling and if I could help you I’d never give it a second thought. I read an inspiring quote and I’d thought I’d share, please quote the author. “ The lesson you struggle with will repeat itself until you learn from it.” I thought if only I could take that advice but unfortunately there is many different lessons. I’m going to sleep.