i lost them in life isn't fun

My old friend died in an accident 3 days ago. I wasn’t close to him for the last few years and I’m regretting it, wondering why we lost contact. I miss them so much. I haven’t been able to get them out of my head at all. Everyone is continuing life as if nothing happened, but it’s hard to pretend nothings happening. How am I ever supposed to go back to normal again. Feels like I’ll never be able to feel anything ever again. I keep thinking of the accident, how bad it could’ve really been and how it had to happen to him. I know it’s selfish to wish it happened to someone else, but I can’t help the thought coming to my head. I could barely hold it together at the church mourning service. I don’t even go to church, but it felt different this time. We brought a candle to the accident site and it all just hit me, it was so surreal. It hit me, that all this really had happened and there was no him anymore.