Before I get to that, I'm kicking around the idea of getting my real estate license. I've sorta always wanted to do that. Mostly because I love looking at houses like men love looking at cars. and I often don't have a reason to take someone's time just to look at a house I'll never buy. Also, I just finished my bachelors in Psychology, and that is a field in which a bachelors gets you diddly-squat. to do anything in the field of psychology, one must have a masters degree. I'm just not sure if I'm committed to that yet.
Anyway... my Kryptonite, lets call him... CO. I've known CO for almost three years. About a year ago our friendship moved to a whole different level. In fact, it was almost exactly a year ago that he sat in my office and asked what was going on at home. I told him that I was working up the courage to change things. I told him all about the struggles at home. And we began to talk everyday. (You can see where this is going, right?) It took about two weeks before I would trust him enough to go to him. But once I did, I was hooked.
We met for drinks one night. We spent hours just talking about things. He told me what happened with the mother of his children, and how in that one moment he decided that he'd never allow himself to be devastated like that again. I appreciated knowing that. I walked into whatever this would be with the knowledge that it would never be what I wanted, or deserved. He has no interest in a relationship, no desire to change his bachelor way of life. I presume, no need to alter who he sees, and in what capacity. Not right for me at all. Except... deep down, where he doesn't let anyone see; I saw a glimmer of the hurt that he hides, the hurt that he will avoid at all costs, the man who wants to be loved and not harmed.
I don't really know how to sum up what it's been in the last year. I've learned a lot about relationships from this non-relationship, I've learned a lot about myself, and I've learned a lot about men, or at least things I didn't know before.
This feels... difficult... to compile. Where's what I know. CO is less than what I deserve, but all that I want. This doesn't even really begin to address the ways that CO is my kryptonite. Maybe I am unable to put it into words. About three weeks ago, after he stopped by my house for a quick moment together, he dropped off the face of the earth. My texts got no response. My phone calls went unreturned. I stopped trying after a few days.
His house is on my route home, yesterday I noticed that some things on the porch had been there for several days (highly unusual). So, I called, and for the first time ever, left a voice mail. I identified myself, told him that I was jut calling to check in, and I hoped that everything was fine. You may be able to imagine my surprise when a few hours later my phone rang, and his name was on my screen.
We talked, he told me how much he's been working. (He's just about the exact opposite of G, by the way, in every way you can imagine.) He asked to come over. Though I know how I feel, and I assume I know how he feels, and mostly they are different feelings, and I know that I will probably cry more tears, I said "please... hurry". I sent the boy and his dog to his room, I sent a text that the door was unlocked, I jumped in the shower, shaved, lotioned... and then I waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. I tried calling twice. At some point I realized he wasn't coming over, so I sent a good night text, and wondered, not for the first time, what the hell I was doing.
This morning he called. And for the first time, he apologized. And he asked when we could make it work. And I've been rendered immobile, again by my kryptonite.
Now I say all of that to say this: I know. I know what the reality is, I know what I'll allow, and I know that someday it will end with a goodbye, or maybe without a goodbye. But I also know that for right now, he fits into the story of my life. I accept it for what it is.
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