7/21/22 @ 8:21 PM EST
This is my first ever entry on this platform! Hoping to hold myself accountable and write one entry per day no matter what. Here it goes:
I am not going to try and make this poetic. Maybe this will be good just for a stream of consciousness. No pressure. Let’s call her Widow. On Tuesday night, I ended things with Widow because I realized I was getting way tooo attached. I didn’t know what it meant for me. I often daydream of being in a relationship with Widow and what could have been. I retreated so quickly as to not get attached in the beginning when she had moved away. I recently reconnected with her because she was on my mind. But when things were getting too good and I started to giggle at her texts again, I retreated and lied that she couldn’t be flirting with me and I wasn’t the one flirting back. I told her and my friends that I reached back out because I wanted to be friends, but didn’t say the whole truth. I wanted to be friends, with the potential to be something more again, but when I reached out, I swear I didn’t feel anything. I am so stupid and sometimes I make these rash decisions that lead me to end up feeling so empty. Also, she said okay I won’t flirt with you anymore and it’s been 2 days since I’ve responded. I decided I won’t ever respond. I am so stupid. Because I don’t know how to be friends. The relationship didn’t start off as friendly. Sigh why why why.
I can’t keep doing this. I also had other strong feelings and what I thought at the time was/is love with, let’s call her Phoenix. I kept lying about how I felt about Phoenix for yearssss after we first were more than friends. Until finally, it just had to come out at the expense of the rebuilding of our “friendship.”
I keep holding on to these “friendships” because of the thought they may revert to what they were again. Maybe my problem is letting go. Maybe my problem is retreating when I have feelings. Maybe my problem is being a chronic liar. Why can’t I ever do what’s true for me instead of using logic?
I thought moving to a different city would allow me to feel differently, but here I am, 3 weeks in, still making the same mistakes and feeling empty. Oh did I mention? Phoenix is coming to move across the country too, to the same city as me.
Afraid to make the same mistakes over and over. Afraid to always be like this, feel like this.
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