I feel lonely. I shouldn’t, but I am.
On high school, I used to have almost no friends. I was depressed, and felt alone, I made no contact with anyone and sat alone in a twin chair table in my class, usually with my head down reading reddit to pass the time that always seemed to drag-on. I was always in the front rows, mind you- because all the fun people always sat on the back rows, so I was almost always the talk of the class, “lonely guy with no friends.” Well, there’s truth in that, no?
When I came back home, I went to my room, sat on my bed, and then cried, I didn’t even bother to change from my uniform nor eat or anything. I made effort to keep my crying silent as to not alert my parents. But, they eventually catch on, I was caught crying lying down with my uniform shirt soggy from all the tears. My parents tried to console me and they ended up contacting my teacher about my condition in school. I was moved with a fun guy and we talked, but the conversation seemed forced, I don’t know if it was, it was short-lived anyway.
Eventually, I accepted my condition and tried to befriend a geek there. He was nice to me, albeit shy, one of the nicest people I’ve met, but even he has a friends. Eventually, we talked and found some of the same interests and became friends, although not really close. And I got through the final semester dragging through the dirt, desperately hoping to find something to cling on to.
After high school, I got accepted into a university/college of a different state. I made a promise to myself that this will be a fresh start, that I won’t be lonely ever again, that I will start the conversation and not to wait for other people to start it, that I will have friends.
And, it worked. When I was on my first day, I saw someone that I thought I felt comfortable with talking to, so I psyched myself up, went and approached him, and just talked to him. Inside, I was shaking, but thinking that I will be lonely again if I was scared all the time. “And, it worked…” I thought.
Out of the 90 people in my Major, I have known and have personally talked to almost all of them. I greeted everyone I met, and I became confident. I even got a girlfriend when I was in the first year. I was confident, I had friends, I talked to all of them regularly. Then COVID happened.
The friends I had slowly eroded away. It was slow, so slow that I didn’t even notice it. Now, I just realized, that I don’t have any groups or cliques that I could call “home”. Sure, I had friends if I was working with group projects, but it felt more like a co-worker and not friends. I noticed while I was working with group projects that all my “friends” had their own “groups” or “cliques” which I am not a part of - I don’t even have ONE group that I am a part of.
I desperately searched and followed anyone from my Major on twitter just to interact with them. But, to me now, it felt like begging. I’m not even sure they want to interact with me, let alone not of pity.
I usually throw this thought away because I had my girlfriend of three years with me. We usually go out almost everyday to get food and other stuffs, but I almost always accepts any invitation sent my way from anyone. But, next semester, offline classes will start again and my girlfriend and I are going to have a long distance relationship. I’m scared that I’d have no one I could spend my time with. I know I will still talk and even interact with at least someone from my major, but I don’t feel like they would want to interact with me outside of college. Because I don’t really belong anywhere.
I feel lonely. I really shouldn’t. But I am.
Sorry if it’s too long, I need to get it off my chest.
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