Creature comforts in L’s Head

Sometimes, as fucked up as it sounds. I miss the feeling of being with my abuser. Don’t get me wrong, I am a positive person and very much want to be alive. But being with a narcissist means being controlled, I’m not entirely certain as to why but living a very independent life sometimes makes me just want to collapse into the arms of someone who utterly and selflessly cares for me. Much like the parents who’ve slowly distanced themselves. Being abused both physically and mentally makes you helpless. I think it’s just my screwed up image of what love is. But the lack of control is almost comforting now that I’m looking from across the pond. I am tired of having to pull myself along and deal with so much on my own. But someone good for me who isn’t toxic might make me think they don’t love me. Because after all, where’s the stalking? The controlling grip? The “I hurt you because I care for you”? Why aren’t they angry about me wearing red lipstick? Why haven’t they trapped me? Taken everything from me? Why don’t they want me in such a nasty, twisted way.
The moment you experience such an abusive relationship. Your view on love is forever twisted a little bit.