Therapy in diary

The last two weeks until this afternoon had been really stressing and overwhelming. I don’t really remember what happened especially during the week, if I try to remember the things that instantly come to my mind are, my bed, a huge TV, too much phonetime, but I have no idea how the weather was. Was it hot? Did it rain? I have no idea. I was so busy all the time that I was somewhere else with my head then I was with my body - it seems. And I hate it, I hate to be stressed it takes away my conciousness and then I just run around without actually being aware of whats happening to me. Anyways now I have recovered from those 2 weeks (this pattern happens every 4 months) and I am okay with myself again and with my life in general. Today I went to therapy and it’s the first time that I felt like it made sense to go there, and it didn’t make me feel worse then before I went. I told my therapist, that I experienced a lot of attention from other people the last 2 weeks and that it makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don’t know how to deal with it even tho I like it a lot. I told her about that I am not used to people showing honest interest in me, because as far as I remember which is when I was like 6 years old, I was always just the 2nd choice person. And until now it was completely normal for me to be that and I am used to it, so whenever I have the chance I hide in the end. even tho I am getting better with not hiding, as soon as people come too close or are too interested I get suspicious and I don’t believe that they care. I have a view memorys from my childhood where I felt so hurt because people seemed to not see me, and it was always just about my one friend. My one friend that made me cry once a week from the age of 6 to 10 and then made me small and feel ridicioules from 10-14, then physically hit me when we were going out and screamed at me for being the worst friend ever from 14-17. And always making me feel bad about the way I was, about what I was wearing, blaming me in front of other people or judging me about what I said, even I don’t remeber actually saying something because everything was always just about her. And in highschool I remember also just being in the second row, with another friend I had (this friend is a good person and I still love her) but it was still convienient to hide behind her, because she was always so selfassured and people were like: you are so cool, but you’re friend (me) is just a bit weird. So my therapist told me then, a reason why I might feel so much pressure when people pay attention to me, is because I remember how it feels to be the person that doesn’t get any attention, and it felt really bad. So I am afraid of becoming the same person as my old friend, and for me she is like the worst person I have ever met. That is said in an very easy way, but that’s actually the conclusion of how I feel about her now. But the truth is, people don’t have a limited amount of attention to give. Attention comes and goes and it’s okay if it concernes me sometimes. Just because people might think I am interesting or want to get to know me, will not make my friends or people around me be less valuable for others. Now I have to go to work. But I think with this new approach I can work on some of my issues. I am still not sure what to think of therapy but for now I have learned something.