Today I have decided to start this journal to track the progress of my life and partially to improve my writing skills. While I intend on making daily entries to this journal, I doubt that I actually will because I am a lazy piece of shit with no goals or aspirations other than maintaining my life, which I value minimally.
I woke up at around 10:00 AM this morning, instantly regretting my subconscious decision to restore my state of awareness. I followed the typical morning routine: shower, shave, eat, brush teeth, lounge around the house until it is time to leave. Today, I brought the dog into daycare. I enjoy spending time with him, but as a result of the rain and the wetness in the grass, his paws brought mud and water onto the seats in my car.
Pretty soon, I hope to purchase said vehicle. My parents are very graciously selling it to me for $8,000, which is nearly half of the price that they would get selling it on Facebook Marketplace.
On my way to work, I noticed the price of gas. Four dollars and fifty nine cents–holy fuck. The next car I buy should be electric because the prices of gas will only go higher and higher.
Upon my arrival, I am greeted by a community of people who either love me or pretend to. I’m not entirely sure because my perception of reality is often proven wrong. I don’t have a very strong grasp of the difference between reality and the fiction created by my mind, which becomes more and more terrifying every time I notice it. This indistinction could very easily result in something terrible happening to me or somebody around me. It could already be happening for all I know.
I’ve recently been feeling this odd feeling of impending doom. It’s like something catastrophic is going to happen any minute, whether it is at work, home, or anywhere else in the world. I have come up with a small list of a few catastrophic events that may occur: my suicide, everyone at work catching COVID, gas prices continuing to rise, or a complete collapse of the government.
After I clocked in today, I did not get straight to work. I talked to a few of my coworkers for a short amount of time, but because we started off quite busy today, I didn’t get to say much. After sharing my salutations, I started doing my job.
I often think about the tremendous amount of work I do in a day. Because of my refusal to bus tables using the designated bus cart, I make trips to the dish area very often. In my opinion, this is the most efficient way to clean the tables. Not only is it more efficient, I am in people way less often, so there are really no downsides to it other than me putting in more effort.
While we were quite busy during our lunch rush, we began to slow down a lot around 2:30 PM. As a result of this cessation of traffic, I was able to chat with my coworkers a bit more. I see them as family, and I hope that they see me the same way.
I think that my apathy is becoming more and more apparent to the people around me, and it’s making them want to spend less time in my presence. This is a very painful experience because I am having a hard enough time handling my mental health by myself, and if nobody is around me to distract me from my state, I will feel more and more lonely, and I believe loneliness is the main source of my poor mental health.
I have never had a girlfriend, so the validation that I would have gotten from having one has never existed in my life. Throughout the entirety of my life, I have felt inferior to the people around me, and I have never found a way to fix this feeling of being the underdog. I barely make any money bussing tables, I don’t plan on going to college because I feel as though it would make my situation worse than it already is, and the excessive thinking I have been doing is becoming more and more taxing.
I stayed for the entirety of my shift today. The last three hours felt like Hell because of the lack of work I did. I probably didn’t make much more money during those hours, but in retrospect, every dollar is important, so I’m glad I did. During this time, I took a lot of shots of espresso. I don’t imagine I will be getting very high quality sleep tonight, but an episode of Seinfeld reminded me that turkey contains tryptophan, which makes you sleep faster. This in mind, I ate some turkey breast we had in our fridge and began to feel groggy.
As soon as this tired state hit, my mom remembered all of the birthday celebrations we had forgotten about. Because everyone is so busy nowadays, we often forget to open birthday cards. We opened cards for my fathers birthday, my brother’s birthday, and my parents’ anniversary. At this point, this tradition of opening cards is majorly to keep my mother happy.
As the night came to a decline, I had the idea to start this journal, and that is where this began. Now that this journal is coming to an end, I am going to go to bed and pray that I get better sleep and recover from my seasonal allergies and seasonal depression, which occurs all four seasons of the year.
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