It’s been a long while since I’ve written on here but I need to get this out. I have had no one to tell this to and it’s killing me inside.
I started a new job about a year and a half ago. This is my dream job. I love what I do, I love all of my co-workers and my bosses are incredible. I have the freedom to do what I please, come and go as I please and my bosses trust me. Even though I’m significantly younger than pretty much the entire office, they trust me that I know what I’m doing, and I love it there. I actually enjoy it when Monday rolls around because I love being at work!
Back in the end of November, something out of a god damn Wattpad story happened. One of my older coworkers came in and started chatting with me. (For reference I am in my early 20’s and he’s 9 years older than me. We’ll call this co-worker “A”) We were talking about random things at first and then the topic somehow changed to sexual things. He has a girlfriend, one that I’ve met several times. And yet we still were chatting about sex. I eventually gave him my Snapchat and that night I got drunk and sent him nudes. I have no idea what I was thinking; I clearly wasn’t. He enjoyed them a lot and the next day he came in and asked to see them in person. I thought, why the hell not? And showed him.
He then convinced me to show another coworker that he’s friends with as well on a day he wouldn’t be there. This coworker is 21 years older than me. Let’s call this co-worker “B”. So B is married. I asked him because I wasn’t about to just pull up my shirt and show him my boobs without consent and he said yes he wanted to see them. He was red in the face but looked like he enjoyed himself. I asked if he wanted to touch them and he did. He did more than touch though. He eventually (with my consent) grabbed my neck, choked me, bent me over my desk, spanked me, and played with me. I was very much into it.
We spent a good 3 hours doing stuff that day in the office. I was so turned on by the time I left but assumed it would be a one-time thing and that it would never happen again.
It is now April and not only have B and I been doing things decently regularly.
But here’s the biggest problem. I have accidentally fallen in love with B. Like head over heels, sick to my stomach, stay up all night thinking about him, dream about him, want to spend so much time with him type of falling in love. I know he’s married, I know it’s wrong, and I know we will never work out together. But I can’t help it. He’s all I can think about. I’ve done my best to look for other guys, stop seeing him, go out on other dates, I’ve even slept with several men in attempts to get him out of my head and I just can’t.
It really kills me because I know he loves his wife. I know at the end of the day he will always choose his wife over me, which he should. I told him I would never try to steal him away from her, tell on him, or sabotage him in any way. I know I’m a horrible human being for being his side chick. I know I should tell her, I know I should stop. But every time I try to…I see him…and just fall in love with him all over again. I know he doesn’t feel the same way about me, I know he doesn’t even look at me as anything more than a fun toy pretty much, but I can’t get him out of my head.
I am thankful for him, as he has helped me get over my shitty ex-boyfriend that I kept going back to. I kept feeling bad for him and didn’t want to be alone and when B came into my life it’s like all of a sudden I didn’t give a shit about my ex anymore. I finally felt free. But now I feel just as trapped with a guy I am in love with that doesn’t love me back.
I guess I just needed to get all of that out. I’m hoping maybe I can find someone else that I really connect with, get into an actual relationship, cut whatever this is with B off and remain friends. That’s the goal anyway. We’ll see how well that plan works out for me.
Wish me luck…
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