“I’m sorry I make you feel guilty.” I looked at Jennifer as she turned to look out the restaurant window. Her medium-length brown hair turned with her.
“No, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal, nevermind, okay?” She looked back at me and smiled. It was a fake smile I knew, the kind she reserved for when she wanted to change the subject because she was upset but didn’t want to admit it.
“I….okay. Lets forget it.” I smiled back. Mine was genuine in a way. I wanted her to be happy and talking more would’ve only stressed us both out more. I smiled a real smile so that I might see hers.
Soon our meals came. I was having corned beef brisket. She was having a miniature vegetarian pizza. We ate in silence.
=================
We had met online in a video game of all places. It was only conversation at first, but soon the conversation dipped into the more personal. Soon our passing acquaintance became talking every day. It was so easy for me to talk to her. The trust came easily and implicitly. Soon we were dating. Not long after we were looking at moving near one another. We both knew that our feelings for one another could only last so long without bridging the distance.
=================
At first I didn’t feel anything at all. All that was inside me was determination to overcome the obstacle in front me, in this case, the thirty-hour drive to Philadelphia. My drive to Jennifer! When I thought of it that way my heart leapt. Even though night had just fell (so better to dodge the traffic) I felt so awake. I felt alive.
=================
I checked once more that I had everything. I did. I drove. Highway 32 to 64 to I-94. These roads I knew. I used to live in both Milwaukee and Kenosha and had family there. From there I drove to Chicago then on towards Ohio.
Between Illinois and Ohio on I80 there is a toll station. I saw the electric sign showing me the one available lane for cash. When I drove through it was 3 in the morning and there was no one manning the booth. The machine was scratched and nicked from all the coins tossed into it’s net. I counted out the change. As I went to throw in the change I hesitated. It was still and quiet. It made me feel small.
Doubts hit me. Just what the hell are doing? You’re putting yourself and everything you have on the line for this girl. If something happens you have no one to help you out there. No one to bail you out. It’s not safe, it’s not safe! I thought about how my last relationship had felt safe too but turned into an emotional quagmire. My heart was pounding and I my chest sunk into itself.
I almost turned around then. Instead, I phoned Jennifer. She answered. She told me not to worry about phoning so late, she couldn’t sleep anyway. She told me so was so exited to see me, it was only one more day and it was still hard for her to believe it. I didn’t tell her what had just been on my mind. I just said yeah and listened to her talk. I tossed the change in the machine and drove.
=================
I slept several times in my car stuffed to overflowing with boxes and things. My vehicle was an older one, an 87’ Oldsmobile cutlass and the front seat stretched all the way from the driver to the passenger seat. Being able to lay down helped with the sleeping but I still couldn’t sleep well and every time I tried to rest I woke up a few hours later with a kink in my back. Each time I walked around the rest area until the feeling went away and then got back on the road.
=================
In central Pennsylvania there are mountains with tunnels carved out inside for the cars to go through. When you’re inside your radio goes to static so you have to shut it off. Woompf, woompf woompf is all you hear as you pass through. Woompf woompf woompf as you gradually turn. It’s dark except for your headlights and the yellow of the sodium vapor lamps every thirty feet. Woompf woompf woompf.
=================
It was three o’clock when I neared Philadelphia. I flipped through my stations and found “Call Me Maybe.” It had come out only a week before and I had heard so many times on the drive that I was starting to think of it as the anthem of my trip. I was also stuck in traffic. But I didn’t mind, by now I was excited and nothing was going to bring me down. Not even when the passenger of another vehicle looked at me like I was insane for singing “BEFORE YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE I MISSED YOU SO BAD, I MISSED YOU SO SO BAD,” at the top of my lungs.
=================
I got to the hotel, a Holiday Inn. I booked a room for the night. Tomorrow I was going to talk to the apartments I had contacted. I texted Jennifer that I was in town. She texted back:
“Omg. Can I come?”
Of course I said yes. Then I checked into my room and sat on the bed. I was so excited I was shaking. I called my family to let them know I was there safely and not to worry. In the middle of the call I heard a knock. I hung up and opened the door and there she was in a medium-length black skirt, criss-crossed stockings and a white blouse.
“Hi.” I said. I hoped it didn’t sound as nervous as I felt.
“Hi.” She replied and smiled at me.
“Come in?” I invited. She came in.
We sat down on at the end of the bed and looked at each other. It was quiet, but not an awkward quiet. It was more….anticipatory.
“So,” I said.
“So,” She said.
“I’m hungry, know any place good??”
“Umm, yeah, it’s close too so we can walk.”
We walked next to each other and talked about the drive. She told me about what was happening in our game, drama here, cool things there. While she spoke I couldn’t stop taking glances at her. She was beautiful in a way that her pictures didn’t catch. She was excited by what she was talking about, and excited about me too, and it showed. She noticed me so I stopped and looked away. She hooked her arm in mine and I looked back at her but she wasn’t looking at me, she hadn’t missed a beat and was looking straight ahead. That made me smile and I knew I loved her then. I relaxed my arm down and her arm came down too and I squeezed her hand. She squeezed back. Afterwards I noticed that her hand was shaking.
=================
After dinner we sat on the bed and talked. This time we sat close, thigh to thigh, my right hand in her left. She told me about how her latest art project. She was trying something with silhouettes superimposed over drawings to create a certain kind of effect.
Truthfully I was only half paying attention, I was drunk on her just being there. I kept looking at her. She stopped and looked back at me.
“What?”
I reached across to her cheek and leaned forward and kissed her. She tasted like strawberries. I opened my eyes. Hers were still closed. I felt like I was wrong and somehow breaking a rule so I closed mine again, not wanting to be caught. We stayed there like that, my forehead to hers, her nose against mine just breathing.
“Stay with me tonite.”
“Okay,” She replied quietly.
We went back to not talking and just sitting there like that. She squeezed my hand. I squeezed back and kissed her. She returned. One kiss became two became ten. Then I was on my back and she was on her hands and knees above me me. I touched her hips, slid my hands up her sides and pulled her down to me. We kissed more and her hands pulled on my shirt. She sat back and pulled it off, threw it aside. I tried to get up to help her with hers. She put her palm to me chest and pushed me back over and sat on my hips. Then she unbuttoned her shirt, watching me. Then she pulled it off and threw it to the side. She wasn’t wearing anything underneath it. She smiled at me and leaned back over me until her nipples grazed my chest. I touched over her spine. Her skin was smooth and cool. I asked her if she was cold.
“Not for long” she told me.
=================
The next morning I woke up to the birds outside. I didn’t move and opened my eyes to look at the ceiling. I inhaled that hotel-scent that seems to be in all of the middle-of-the-road motels, that mix of carpet, wood and air freshener. It was comforting. I turned to look at her and found that she was awake and laying on her side on the other side of the double bed under the covers. She was looking at me. She smiled. I smiled back.
“Morning sleepy,” She told me.
“Morning beautiful,” I replied.
And that was it. Just silence as we looked at each other and contemplated what had just happened the night before and what was happening now. I touched her cheek and she closed her eyes. I touched her forehead and I touched her nose. I touched her lips and she kissed my fingers. I scooted to her and pulled her close.
“What we should do today?”
“You have an apartment to look at, remember?” she replied. “I took off work today, I’ll show you where it is. Are you hungry? I’m hungry but I didn’t want to wake you up.”
I wake up slow both mentally and physically so I’m rarely hungry right after I wake up. My metabolism takes an hour or so to kick in and even then it doesn’t kick in hard. It’s so light that it feels more like a poke than a kick.
Instead I told her, “Yeah, I am kinda. If you know a place to walk to we should go.”
We got up and got dressed and walked out into the parking lot.
“What time is it? I have to check out by eleven.” I asked.
“Only like 8:30.”
“Okay.”
=================
We walked across the packing lot weaving in and out of the vehicles. It was already warming up and you could feel the heat emanating off the steel. I ran my finger along a blue Cadillac and burned my finger. I shook my hand as if the movement would make the sting go away.
“So where are we going?” I asked and blew on my finger as if the wind would make it better.
“A shake shop. It sells sandwiches too and it looks really expensive, but they’re really big, as big as the plate. They have ice cream too.” She eyed my finger. “What’re you doing?”
“Burned myself.” I replied.
=================
The restaurant was a small place hidden off of to the side of a busy intersection. It didn’t have a chalkboard sign out on the sidewalk advertising specials like the other stores did. We walked inside. The store was set up to be an open kitchen with all the cooks equipment lining one wall and patrons eating on the other. The cook currently had his back to the counter and was cracking eggs into a skillet. On the patron’s side of the room there was an enormous chalkboard advertising their food. They sold the shakes and sandwiches Jennifer had told me about and also a lot more. They had english muffins, cereal, oatmeal, other more-standard breakfast fare and also several kinds of steaks. Needless to say I was impressed. It was random, but impressive.
“Hey, what can I get you?” The cook surprised me. I turned around to face him. He was tanned an orange-brown and wearing a white t-shirt over a pair of blue jeans. He looked like he belonged at a beach more than behind a stove.
“Um, just some eggs and bacon. And toast if you have it.”
“Rye, wheat or white?” His voice was low, gravelly.
”Rye please.”
“How many eggs?” His demeanor was gruff and to-the-point.
“Two is fine, sunny side up.”
“Sounds good,” He turned to Jennifer. “And you?”
“The breakfast deluxe, white please.”
“Kay,” he said without the o. I liked him. No frills but also no nonsense. I respected that.
=================
We looked into apartments that day. We took the one that was further away from her house, but closer to a gym and a grocery store. It was cheaper too, and gated. Jennifer helped me move in my things. We were done in under an hour. All the boxes that had seemed to be everywhere in my car seemed barely enough to fill the one-bedroom apartment.
“I’ll help you with getting the things you’re missing,” she told me. She glanced at me sideways. “The things you need.”
“Is that so?”
“It is.” She smirked at me and I couldn’t help but smile back.
=================
Three months later she came over with two gym bags, one on each shoulder.
“I’m moving in.” She said and brushed past me. “I need to think of where I’m going to put my things. I was thinking we could…” she went on.
And that was that. Que sera sera, right?
=================
Journal entry:
It’s been a while since I’ve wrote. I guess it’s because of how busy we’ve been and that things have been going well. I know I usually write more when I’m upset. So what’s new? I’ve been promoted to assistant manager! That’s good at least. Jenn’s supervisor has been talking about training her to work the back, audits and the like. She’s excited about that. I am too. We’re both moving up in the world! I’m really proud of her. I knew it was only a matter of time before they noticed her for how good she is. We have a date set up to celebrate for this Friday; we’re going out to Olive Garden. I’m really looking forward to it, I’m going to get a caesar salad and a tour of italy. I love it! I can taste it now…
Anyway I’ve been thinking. I wanted to write it down here before I say anything. I’m feeling really good about this one. Maybe it’s what I’ve been chasing after all this time. As you know I’ve always chased after that ache, God how promises of love lure me, but you cannot know it’s irresistible pull for me. The ache of anticipation, the feeling of being woken with touches in the morning, whispered nothings and love notes…I adore it, my raison d’etre. I’ve taken chances and risks for that roller-coaster of ardour and what amazing experiences I’ve had. I’ll never forget any one of those girls, never. It hasn’t all been good. It’s been more bad than not, actually. The heartbreak at the end is completely not worth it, yet I find myself here again and again, seduced again and again by promises of a fulfillment I don’t really deserve.
This time feels different though. The grace and calm Jennifer exudes is sinking in and becoming a part of me. I feel more detached and somehow gentler. It’s a good thing for me, a great thing. I wonder why it’s different with her? Nevermind, I don’t care. All that matters is that exists. That excites me. I wonder if this is it, if this is what I’ve been looking for all my life?
=================
Time passed. We settled into a routine.
Looking back now I wonder how much of it was real. I once had a conversation with a friend and he told me that there are five myths of reality. I forgot the rest of the conversation, but one of the points he made stuck out to me. He told me that the things we know the best are the things we observe the least. It seemed like a ridiculous thing at the time.
I could tell you Jennifer’s favourite shows, the way she liked her steak and I could tell you her morning routine. I knew all sorts of personal things about her, her feelings, her past and in some ways I was the person who knew her best. I certainly knew many things that even her parents didn’t know. For all that I didn’t understand her. The signs were there, but I didn’t see them. I wasn’t watching.
=================
“I care about you, you know. Even when we fight, I love you. You drive me crazy sometimes and I get upset, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care,” I told her. “I know what it’s like to feel unloved and how horrible that place can be. I want to be that person that you can always rely on to care about you and encourage you. You aren’t ever alone.”
“That’s weird,” she told me.
“Huh?” I asked. “What do you mean?”
“I’ve never felt unloved. I’ve always had my family. Others. I don’t understand you.”
She went to bedroom, shut the door. I heard the lock turn. I sat on the couch. For the first time in our relationship I felt like I couldn’t relate. Just how different were we? I had thought we were really similar. After all, we enjoyed similar things, have similar opinions on politics, religion, morality and lifestyle. For all that, I couldn’t imagine a life where being loved was a given. With a sudden sense of clarity, I could see how the foundation of my personality was shaped by feelings of lack and absence. If I twisted my head and squinted just so, I could see that I related to others first through that lens. Were we really so different?
I watched reruns until I fell asleep.
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One word without others means nothing, there's no context. What significance is a beast with one cry? How could you tell what it's feeling, what it's thinking without more? Even the wind has many voices, and so I struggle, I reach out and grab the shimmers out of the air and force them to the page, into my throat, to your ears.
=================
“I’m sorry I make you feel guilty.” I looked at Jennifer as she turned to look out the restaurant window. Her hair swayed with her.
“No, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal, nevermind, okay?” She looked back at me and smiled. It was a weak smile. A fake smile designed to make me feel better.
“I….okay. Lets forget it.” I smiled back. I smiled a real smile so that I might see hers.
Soon our meals came. I was having corned beef brisket with a side of steamed broccoli. She was having a miniature vegetarian pizza. We ate in silence occasionally looking at one another. I was thinking about how to fix things, fix myself and how to make things okay between us. I don’t know what she was thinking about. Maybe I never did.
=================
The wind brushed my face and cold scratched my throat. I could feel a numb tingle in my ears. I scrunched my head into my jacket and walked.
To my right were cars. Above me steel lattice and cabling. To my left a chest-height barrier, then the Hudson.
Lets go all the way tonite. No regrets. Just love.
I was over the middle of the river. It was getting dark, but I could still make out the waves. The river looked choppy, something reminiscent more of Heart of Darkness than the New York City I knew.
You and I, we’ll be young forever.
There was no one else on the bridge besides the motorists. There were hundreds of them and even more below, I knew. How is it that there can be so many people in the same place with such a distance between them?
Lets run away and don’t ever look back.
It was a familiar feeling. I always come back to this.
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