Early Moments of Grief in Journey of Grief

The jaw of loss have opened wide and I have fallen into the depths of the beast. There is a fear with the instance of falling. The anxiety of knowing the pain and sharp reality will be visiting soon. When I am opened to the clarity of the truth of your absence, it is like a mental drowning. A ripping as the struggle against reality ensues. It holds me under the water, until I open my eyes and let the liquid rip through me. Flooding my innards and my mind. Forcing my eyelids open and pulling the poorly sutured, remnants of my heart open. Not bothering to use a knife, just pulling the stitches out where they lay. That is the process of awakening to the reality of the loss. I let the pain, the knowing, live and rip through me for as long as it needs. Crying, screaming, praying to God it will be over with soon. So I can return to the dullness. The grey of all the moments between. The space between aching and dying. Because that is what’s happening. I am dying. The parts of me that were his, are dying. Bit by bit. Returning to where he is gone. The love for him, remains. Growing stronger. I am changing. A painful metamorphosis that I must come out from better. For him. For the ‘us’ that was and remains.