Self respect in Just me

Where do I get it? I wish I could just order it online. I am starting to realize that I have no respect for myself. Or atleast very little. I hate myself. I don’t find myself attractive anymore, I don’t find myself valuable or loveable. I have no friends that aren’t my bf and my sister. I’m not working so I’m also broke as fuck and can’t go out if I did make a friend. Am I really not worthy of love, devotion, friendship, and loving myself? Shit I even put loving myself at the end. I feel as though my connection to the person I love so much is........dissolving. And that’s making me feel even less worthy of love. I still think about dying. ALOT. Not like suicide. I am safe. But most days I wake up and I’m kind of upset. Alot of the time I don’t wanna be here anymore. I don’t even see my value in the world. As a living person. That’s fucking sad. I am stuck between feeling I deserve better and feeling like being alive rn is already more than I deserve. How does one change that? I can’t say I wanna go BACK to loving myself because I can’t think of a time when I ever have. From childhood to now I don’t remember a time I’ve loved myself more than anyone else. I want better. I want to feel the way I try to make other ppl feel. Why cant I listen to my own words? 💔