I am recoiling into worldly affairs. I wish I could just tend to my own garden. I realize it isn’t selfish. It is simply hard and not everyone can do it. I am more than what I think of myself and less than what I would like to think of myself. I am tired. So tired.
There’s so much to go and so many miles to go. I long to go alone. I don’t like the company I have and I am tired trying to pretend I like things I actually don’t. I want to disappear from everybody and come back as a strong flame whose smoke will help the flame grow stronger instead of burning others down. These days, I am well suited with the idea of being unhappy. I don’t want to be happy anymore. I don’t wake up in order to have a good day. I don’t wake up for the day, I wake up for my own selfish laments which are tiring at this point. I am made for a fight, I know. And I am trying to keep the wax intact for the right moment to burn. I am trying to not take my health for granted but I am also so clear with the intention of people who do not take care of their health. Often it is out of active laziness but most of the time or perhaps all the time because being lazy is hard, it is because they don’t care enough. Don’t smoke today to live a better life in future is stupid because who knows what future holds. And do they really want to hold themselves in the future? I am so accustomed to the reason of slacking off, fluctuating principles, carcrashing ideals and not caring enough for any one of them because what is the point at all. Everything is so insignificant.
And significant at the same time, as my friend had said. Perhaps, what I really seek to do is keep things significant to me. For I know the other way round, I know what happens otherwise and I don’t think I want to be there. But I know the way. I am trying to not live like all the possible ways I can. But I am really tired. I’ll try to keep things significant. I hope it rains tonight. That is the only hope left for me this while.
Loading comments...