2022-03-10 in how each of my days went, for the most part.

I got high for the first time today, it felt really weird. In the beginning I couldn’t breath right, like my breathing switched to a faster pattern than it usually was and I felt extremely hot, like if I had a bad fever. In my mouth it felt like there was a thick coat of plaque or something similar on my teeth, gums and inside of my mouth so like the inside of my cheeks and stuff, it felt like I couldn’t wipe it off or swallow it down. Everything went by so fast, and in the first five minutes I felt like I couldn’t keep my eyes open. They felt really heavy, my whole body did and I felt like I was going to fall into a deep long nap. I coughed a lot and I spit quite a few times in this old pepsi can my friend had. But when I closed my eyes it felt as if I was having a very lucid/vivid dream but even though I knew it was a dream I couldn’t get out of it but then I snapped out of it and then it felt like I just woke up from my dream or something. I can’t quite explain it. And once I went swimming I was still high so it was really weird, it felt like my body was moving in a wavy verticle pattern and I couldn’t get myself to stay still. My mom found out because of my eyes, and she used to be a stoner so she could easily tell. She was really dissapointed she said, she also said she was mad but I don’t understand because she started smoking when she was a year younger than me and she said to me that I can as long as she doesn’t find out about it or if it was her w33d (when she did have it, like I said she doesn’t smoke anymore) and if it was in her house. I messed up on the first part, I should’ve put much more water in my eyes. I also saw my friends dad at the pool and lots of other kids from my school, I hope they didn’t notice. My friend though, the one I sm0ked with, shes rlly cute and lesbian so maybe we could eventually be a thing but I don’t know because she is asexual which is a little bit of a turn off, FOR ME. not that being asexual is a bad thing, im just a hypersexual person because of trauma so ya. but shes rlly sweet and we have a lot in common. it also worries me though because I have a lot of mental health issues and feel very invalidated and she could possibly make it worse, i hope she doesnt yk? i know she wouldnt do that on person but i feel invalid/invalidated very easily and i also am very sensitive. my mom told my grandpa about it to, hes really dissapointed in me though, I think our relationship is over but wtv i guess. i also really miss the feeling of oding on ativan, ive been feeling a lot of urges. I think im a week clean tho well in an hour i should be 10 days or no in the morning tomorrow. ya. but so my day went ok i guess i dont rlly have the energy to say much more about it.