Many weeks ago, my therapist asked me to write what I would say in a letter to my brother. Not something I would actually send to him, just a chance to be open with him about my feelings. I have procrastinated, but I know she wants me to have written something by our appointment tomorrow, so here goes:
Dear **,
It's weird to think about this so many years later, and after having so many sexual relationships with other people, but the thing I most want to tell you is that you were the first person I ever really truly loved romantically. I mean, you're my brother and I always loved you in a family sort of way, but when we were teenagers I loved you so much more than that. I was physically and emotionally attracted to you. You were the only person I wanted to be with, and when we weren't actually having sex I was thinking about you and wanting you inside of me.
I don't think you felt the same way about me, and I accepted that even then. I was jealous of your girlfriends, and angry you would want to be with anyone other than me. I was completely willing to be with you at any moment and time, why would you need anyone else? It made me worry I wasn't pleasing you enough. I wanted to make you happy, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to not just be your lover, but also your partner.
For many years I fantasized about how we could just be open about our relationship. I wanted to stop hiding it. I wanted everyone to know how much I loved you. I wanted to marry you and have a family with you. When we first started having sex, I feared you might get me pregnant, but after a while I desperately hoped that you would. I loved those few experiences when our sex was so spontaneous that we didn't use protection. I imagined a world where I could refer to you as my husband and not my brother.
So much has happened since then, and we both have our own separate lives and families, but the secret I have been keeping all this time is that I still love you more than I should. I still want to be with you. I would still have sex with you right now if i had the chance. And if in some odd parallel universe we could be together as a couple, I would jump at that opportunity.
I am still physically attracted to you. I am still jealous of your wife for getting to be with you.
I love you with all my heart.
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