06/02/2022 When it all began. in My Life and My Thoughts

Tomorrow i start Rituximab and honestly I don’t know what to think. Searching online leads only to more questions and concerns. I trust my doctor to make the best medical decisions that she thinks are suitable in my complicated condition and yet everything is so uncertain I have no choice but to second guess every decision. I feel more alone and uncertain than ever. I can’t rely on my friends to help me, because they are terrible at emotional support. No matter how much I listen and help them, they never reciprocate that help. Call me selfish and egotistical all you want, but i deserve better than this. I am tired of being the kind and dependable friend when my own friends couldn’t give two shits about how I feel or how I’m doing. They find out I’ve been put in hospital for emergency treatment, and their response? To ignore me and even poke fun at me. Even people who i hardly talked to have shown me triple the amount of compassion than most of my friends. And here i found myself yesterday, texting my friends because i tricked myself into thinking I was being too harsh on them. I need new friends and i hope that in September, it will be possible to do just that. Find new friends and get on with my life. God, I really need some anger management techniques don’t I? I guess I’m angry because all i ever do is give, give and give even more and yet my best friend since nursery would rather ignore my existence, and another in my friendship group is the fakest person I’ve ever seen. It’s frustrating for me that people don’t see how much of a terrible friend she is being to me, therefore i have resolved to ignoring her presence. Fvck the promise I made to help her revise for the subjects she’s struggling in. She fvcked this up for herself and honestly, I couldn’t care less anymore whether she does well or not. I deserve better friends and I don’t have the energy to make excuses for them anymore. I also see how people who don’t know me, and might be reading this, can interpret this entry as a childish and egotistical rant of a teenager but this has been bottled up for so long and I’m tired of not letting my frustrations out. Only a select few of my friends I actually see myself talking to and for however long I have tried my hardest to stay friends with my best friend, I do not deserve to be treated like dirt so yeah, fvck you L, other L, T. From now on, I have accepted the fact that I will be alone for a little longer than I already am. That’s okay because all i really need is myself, to be my own cheerleader and one day, i hope you regret neglecting me so much, as they say, the best revenge is leading a good life. After writing this diary entry, I now know what I need to do and which friends I need to keep, and which to let fade into non-existence. I need to be more comfortable with being alone by myself and more forgiving to myself. I deserve care, happiness and love, if no-one is willing to offer that to me ESPECIALLY after my endless efforts of providing that same support to everyone around me, then it will be something I will give myself. It’s funny isn’t it? I never was the therapist friend so that I could get that emotional support offered to me, i truly did it because i cared about my friends, but the one moment i ask for the same back, i get it thrown right back into my face. So this journalling really does work huh? Now i understand that I am much more frustrated with my friendship group than with my treatment, however that is not to say that i am not frustrated at all with my medical history. I’m scared, I honestly am, the most likely scenario of my condition is that i will never be cured. Some days will be better than others and the first step to leading a new life, will be accepting my fate. I just hope that whatever happens in the future, i can keep my intelligence because that is what is most important to me. Out of everything in my past, the development of brain fog has been the hardest for me to cope, I tear up about it, even now. And even now, i finally have most of my brain function back, and yet i cant stand to be alone in my own thoughts, do i need therapy or anti-depressants? Who knows anymore, i cant think clearly in this hospital, especially since i hate hospitals so so so much. I can’t wait till i get out of here, again, i know i sound ungrateful, especially when I’m surrounded by children who they themselves cant escape reality of their own conditions. But I’m allowed to wallow in my own self pity every once in a while right. I am mad at the world for being like this, for being so unfair and i hope anyone reading this can at least take some joy in the fact that they are not stuck in a depressing hospital along with these depressing thoughts. Anyway, time to focus on myself and be the best that i can be, since the people who i though cared about me couldn’t give more than two fvcks.