? in time will do

What is the meaning of life? Honestly, what is the real meaning of life? Why couldn’t we choose if we wanted to participate in this whole “life” thing? Reading from an outsider’s point of view, these kinds of questions may seem concerning and you’d probably want to get the person who is questioning “life” help to see if they’re okay or if they’re suicidal but these are just questions. Why are we put on earth to die? Why would our loving god or jesus (I really don’t even know if god or jesus are the same person)who died for our sins put the scariest thing on earth, that no one can ever run away from? Why can’t I run away from the scariest thing ever? How is that even fair? So what is the real purpose of life? Why does everyone think life is all about purposes and lessons? Why do we make up reasons why we are here? We don’t know the real reason. I hate the feeling of “unknown” not knowing or having knowledge of something we can’t even figure out ourselves has to be the scariest thing ever. I’m terrified, I feel like life literally has no meaning if I’m just going to die in the end.. It’s like playing a game KNOWING you’re going to die, where’s the fun in that? I’m supposed to just suck it up and enjoy life knowing I’m going to die anyway? This isn’t a cry for help but more so the natural thoughts and questions coming from a human who has been on earth for 21 years trying to grasp the concept of life . We all make these reasons to be comfortable in life. We created the idea of heaven and hell to find comfort after we die, but why would our loving god create hell? I remember growing up and a Jehovah witness would come to our door at 10AM sharp on a saturday, it still gives me ptsd to this day. Imagine giving a picture book about hell and heaven to a 12 year old who doesn’t even understand who god is or what hell looks like and all their left with is “Just do good in life and when you die you’ll go to heaven” but LIFE isn’t that simple, we can’t always do good in life.. If I do bad, does that mean I’m going to burn in hell? How can I be good forever? LIFE can do some crazy things to you so how could I be good forever knowing that “bad” sits and waits on earth for any and everyone. So back to the question: why couldn’t I choose if I wanted to participate in life? Am I just a soul in an avatar that can play dress up and socialize with other souls in avatars? Or am I just dissociating from the whole purpose of life to make myself comfortable when it’s time to die? No matter how you put it, life is scary. No matter how poor or rich you’re either going to be burnt to the crisp, put into a jar living off of a shelf with pictures of yourself next to you so your family could remember you by or put underground 6 feet under. I mean jeez, if I knew this before living I don’t even know if i would choose to come to earth. Life is so interesting honestly, we can make these choices that can impact our present and future. Like imagine being touched deprived as a kid and realizing because of that you now crave something you never had as a child in your adulthood. Or imagine that one night you decided to drink before getting in your car and now youre drunk driving and you just finished crashing your car into a tree almost killing yourself. Imagine if you didn’t remember to take that drink or if you grew up with emotionally available parents, where you could have been in your present or future life. The choices you make come with consequences. No matter what you do, there will always be a consequence, whether that’d be good or bad. I love the saying “Everything happens for a reason” because the word “everything” is in there but yet, can’t apply EVERY situation. Isn’t that ironic? I mean c’mon, are you going to tell a woman who just had a miscarrage that “everything happens for a reason?” or a person who gets raped that “everything happens for a reason?” no, right? So that means not EVERYTHING happens for a reason. The sad thing about life is sometimes everything just HAPPENS, no reason. It’s weird how life works because we all find comfort in believing something and will swear up and down if you’re a good person bad or evil wont seek your way but it’s almost as if opposites attract because why do bad things happen to decently good people? And good things happen to people who choose to do bad? Where does my soul go after I die? Do I just jump into a baby’s body after I die and have a different life with different choices? In my next lifetime will I be the next beyonce? Who would I be? Or will I just be sitting in my dead body forever and stuck? Do these thoughts not scare people? Just the idea of what could be after death? Why am I so terrified? Maybe this would make more sense, it’s not that I’m afraid of death.. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. I mean who does? But it’s life right? Some people try to do as many important things on this earth to be remembered and talked about after they die because they don’t want to be forgotten and honestly same. That’s why i think when i’m 25 or 30 i want to have as many kids as i can because i want a piece of me to be on this planet earth when i’m not anymore. It’s so strange because when you’re alive it’s almost as if people don’t even remember you nor your name, it probably feels as if they don’t care for you but when you’re sick or on your deathbed for some reason that’s when everyone wants to keep you remembered and bring you flowers and gifts, why do we celebrate death but not life? And I’m not talking about a birthday, I’m just talking about life in general. Why do we have to wait each year to be thankful for life for giving us more years to live? Why can’t we just celebrate everyday? Life is already confusing but one thing we do know is that we are all going to die so why do we need to work or have money? We’re all going to die anyway so why put more stress onto us to shorten our stay? Why do I have to work to survive? It’s not like I asked to be here, it’s not like anyone did to be honest! It sounds selfish, I know. Honestly, what do I know? I just use writing as an escape from reality. Some people drink or use drugs because holy shit, can life be scary! I honestly don’t blame them. In life we have these things called emotions, which we cant even control, i mean yeah you can control when you want to express them out loud but you can’t escape the feeling of it inside. It’s just not in your power because if you could we wouldn’t have all these alternatives to make them go away or at least have the ability to “keep” them in control. For instance, I’m sensitive to everything that hurts my emotions, I have the ability to be very expressive. For others, it’s not the same thing, it’s probably the complete opposite. It’s my life though, right? I mean gosh, the least life could have done was let us control however we want our lives to go right? That’s the LEAST they could’ve done, like imagine being attached to a person you know isn’t good for you at all and you know they aren’t, you literally cry yourself to sleep because of how shitty they are but it’s not like you’re choosing that! It’s literally out of your control until time can do its job for you to get over it and move on with YOUR LIFE, but who the fuck is “time” anyway? Why do I have to WAIT for “time”to heal anything in my life when I know that person is shitty? Why can’t I just choose in my life what I want to feel and who I want to feel it for? The least I can possibly do is “keep” them in control. Man, if life was a person I honestly would beat their ass. They’re so selfish yet so beautiful. I mean look at the emotion “happiness” or “love” it’s such a beautiful thing to feel when you feel it, or laughing! It feels so good, too bad we aren’t all fortunate enough to be able to feel that everyday, right? Maybe im