Spaceship in General

Hood of my car
Radio’s just loud enough
So I can hear “Levon”
Where you are is anybody’s guess for now
Just a song I grew up on
Constellations seem so out of line
Wish that we could make it this time…
-Daughtry, “Spaceship”

Buckle up, this is a long one.

Another early morning. I am remembering that hate/hate relationship I had with my alarm clock when I was working. I took a three-mile walk, not as much fog this morning, and not as many mosquitos. But fall is in the air. It was what is known in local parlance as “brisk.”

Caught some of the Sunday morning news shows. Washed my car. Cleaned half the windows in the condo, and all the windows in the car. The sun is starting to hang low, so dirty windows are annoying.

Cleared some shelves. My shelves are getting so sparsely populated that I am at risk of bypassing Spartan, crossing over Stoic and heading straight into Ascetic.

Weird Scots-Irish-Viking parallel to “Spectacles, testicles, watch and wallet..” Turns out as “Glasses, shorts, cell phone, wallet and knife.” Soon enough I’m going have to start packing.

Through the shower and up to road to pick up Mireya. It took about a half an hour to get her in the car, then it was just over an hour drive to my nephew’s house. We were the first to arrive.

The constant sliding scale of when-we-are-going-to-what in my family. Shot the shit with nephew and his wife. Watched them care for the newborn. Dodged dogs and cats. They have very aggressive cats.

Nephew’s older son is a precocious eight year old – you can actually have conversations with him, and not just get grunts as responses. He makes connections fast. For a bunch of rednecks, we are a pretty fucking smart tribe.

Eventually my parents and sisters arrived. And pestering the baby ensued. An hour later my niece and her boyfriend arrived. They have been together for eight years but I had never met him.

Out on the deck we talked. Adam is a pretty cool guy. We talked about TV shows, horror movies, disastrous TV series and flying. The only thing we didn’t talk about was Keto. My Mom told me Adam was interested in trying to start. He never brought it up, and I never brought it up. Unlike New Born Christians, Vegans and Cross fitters, Keto peeps have to be pumped.

We sat outside for a couple of hours. My niece went inside, and Adam and I just kept talking. It is nice to know that all millennials aren’t braindead indoctrinated zombies.
We went inside and had the mandatory group picture. It was oppressively hot inside, even with the window a/c running.

An hour and a half talking Mireya home. I finally succumbed to the urge to go by Audrey’s house.

All the daycare stuff in the back was gone. And I didn’t recognize any of the cars. I realized she probably didn’t live there anymore. That kind of broke me. I drove the rest of the way home sad. But honestly, what was I expecting. Covid idiocy wrecked the daycare business.

She wasn’t in a stable marriage.

For me, the last of the hope evaporated. I waited for ten years for the phone call that never came. On our last phone call, I asked her “Is this goodbye?” “No, just so long for now…”

Her kids have to be out of high school by now.

Funny that I don’t have any positive or negative feelings toward the two women I married.
But Audrey remains that ache in my heart. She was beautiful, smart, and oh so sensitive. I literally fell in love with her the second I saw her. It only took three and a half years to kiss her.

I watched a segment on Newsmax. There was a group of professional athletes and veterans forming a support group.

It really hit me. One of the guys said “You take off the uniform, and you lose who you are.”
That happened to me, and truth be told I still see a Naval Officer and a Naval Aviator in my shaving mirror in the morning. Those guys on that show spent four or six years in uniform. I spent twenty four years, my entire adult life from 17 to 45.

It was all I was.

You honestly never come back. I’ve been retired for fifteen years. Truth is I wish I had died on active duty. That would have excused me from trying to figure out what this part of my life is supposed to be.

All said, though. Life doesn’t suck. I can go surfing a couple of times a year. My circle is getting smaller. I am in contact with a bunch of guys I flew with, which is kind of cool. Those guys know the same shit I do.

Call me a fool for
Daydreaming in the dark and
Throwing bottles at the moon
Why you’re gone is Nobody’s Fault But Mine
Another song that we grew up on
Can anybody tell me where I can find
That girl I can’t get out of my mind

Goddamn it Audrey, where are you?

Last updated September 20, 2021