“I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME THIS BEFORE I TURNED 40” in LIFE IN THE TIMES OF CORONA: The Real-Life Twilight Zone

Okay, I admit that I’ve been triggered by an old episode of “CSI: NY” that I’d recently watched. The rerun was Season 7, Episode 17.

Long story short, Detective Mac Taylor (Gary Sinise) and his team of forensic investigators were working on a murder case in a posh, private high school. Miss Pretty and Popular Blonde were found murdered in a girls’ restroom.

Who did it? Another girl, out of sheer jealousy. Apparently, she had a male best friend who’d been smitten by The Pretty, Popular Blonde (P2B). As classic as this sounds, P2B had also taken advantage of him and he didn’t even realize that.

Just like he didn’t realize that his own best friend had been falling in love with him.

I remember crying my eyes out from watching it the first time. The killer’s feelings had only been a painful reminder of how I myself had been back then. (Well, minus the killing, of course. Thank God.)

I know I’m not the only one having gone through this. I’ll just be honest with you:

I’ve never considered myself ‘beautiful’ by the common, patriarchal standards. It’s not my insecurity; just a state of fact. I’m not thin; I’m not tall, and my skin complexion is brown. Before you accuse me of being racist, there are still plenty of Indonesians here who somehow still idealize much, lighter shades of skin color. As sickening as this sounds, no joke.

I’m not meant to be a supermodel with this figure. (Thankfully, I don’t even have the ambition for that.) I’m also way too short to be a plus-size model. (154cm or 5 ft.) I’ve come to terms with that now, really.

In fact, I’ve stopped giving a damn whether guys like me or not.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t like that at first. Having grown up consistently being compared to my older, taller, and slimmer sister as a teenager, I’d gotten fed up with it. I got trapped in a toxic, patriarchal society that only validates women’s beauty based on the number of men attracted to them.

They’d said a lot of awful things to me back then. I hated their questions about why I still hadn’t got any boyfriends yet, unlike my sister. I hated how they kept implying that my being fat was probably the reason why I was still single.

Worst of all, they’d also implied that – no matter how kind I tried to be – I’d still be only good enough as a friend. That’s it, never a girlfriend. You know, friend-zoned. If that awful, traumatic experience hadn’t mentally scarred me enough, they’d also worsened things for me. Every time a guy seemed interested in me, the same people would always get me to have second thoughts about him. I’d hear them very often back then:

“Are you sure he’s really interested in you? What makes you think he is? How do you know?”

“Don’t get too confident. What if he’s just playing you?”

Thanks a lot, people. I know I can never win with the likes of you. Being single too long, you think I must be the problem. Some guys seem interested in me – and there must be something wrong with them.

Get it?

“Boyfriends Are Not Everything!”

I wish someone had told me this long ago before I turned 40. I’d still hold those people accountable for having messed up with my mental health and confidence.

No worries, I don’t leave myself out on this. I also blamed myself for having listened to stupid, shallow people. I allowed the cruelty of their thoughtless words to hurt me.

If I hadn’t listened to them, I wouldn’t have been mad with utter jealousy when a guy I liked chose another girl (whom – according to society’s standard – was prettier than me.) I wouldn’t have wasted my precious energy by hating that girl – or any other girls who seem to attract guys more easily.

All in all, I would’ve been a much better friend back then.

I’d probably have focused more and better on my studies and worked even harder. I mean, I’ve always had a lot of other interests in my life – all thanks to my love for writing.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda … the list is endless …

So Now What?

So what if the guy you happen to like chooses another girl? I bet you hate it if the guy you’re not interested in keeps pushing you to like him back, as if you owe it all to him for being nice to you?

So what if the girl is so pretty that the guy you like chooses to pursue her instead of paying closer attention to you? He owes you nothing. Nobody owes anybody anything when it comes to this! Feelings can’t be compelled, after all.

Walk away and move on. Quickly. I know it feels unfair sometimes, that some people who (seem to) make less or no effort at all get the most of the good things in life, even the ones that you also want. Your hard work gets under-appreciated or even worse – laughed at.

“What for?” They might mock you. “You’re trying too hard for nothing. Have some self-respect, will you?”

Like it or not, this is just life. You don’t always get what you want, no matter how hard you try. Deal with it and grow up. You can only work on your own happiness from time to time. Never rely on others for that.

That’s how you look after yourself.

R.