27/12/2021 in Thoughts

I sit here right now, as I have done for many days now (really I mean months) in the same chair in my room just staring at my computer monitors watching Netflix, listening to music, playing games and generally doing not much. Why you ask? Mostly depression and anxiety (That’s the easy answer out) but the main one is laziness. I think the laziness and depression and Anxiety have kept me in a loop for months now of going round in circles in my head. I Analyse pretty much everything anyway, all the time (An autistic trait, though not medically confirmed but it runs in the family genes) Which is why I think (Something I should stop doing for a while is think, but I digress) I have been stuck in a continual revolving circle of constant worry which turns into anxiety and depression and then goes into laziness.

Well today I’m taking steps to change this. After my last post and getting some well needed weight off my shoulders (and out of my head) I thought it be best to put a deadline on when to get back to myself.

On the 31st of December 2020 at exactly 1:50pm in the afternoon, it will have been exactly 1 year since I quit smoking after 15 years. Something that I told myself last year after my break up with the ex gf was that I knew I was going to do, to prove I could, I just didn’t know when it would take place after the break up. I didn’t plan for it to start on the 31st either , it just so happened I had one cigarette left at the time and as I was smoking it I remember watching it burn more than smoking it and realising at the moment exactly how much physical money I had wasted over those 15 years just burning away. I went cold turkey and never looked back.

Well to tie in nicely that seems to be a rather fitting date for me and personal reason to start thinking about making changes in my life. So today I have made some baby steps and hopefully put me in new direction.

I deleted my social media accounts today. I knew I was spending to much time on them and is a big reason for not doing much. All the time happily watching other people in the world looking like they are having better lives kind of made it easy for me to just not do anything. The thought of being happy for someone else looking happy whilst I sat here not and also not really know if they are and just putting on a front for the purpose of social media. Like many other I think we would all wish to be like those in the pictures or the stories. Though really now i’m sitting here reading what i’m writing I really don’t want that. I just want to be me and be happy.

I have also been uninstalled all the games I have on my PC as to not distract me from my new goals. Also I have unsubscribed from unneeded websites that just keep taking money for the sake of having an account for the possible convenience of maybe using it’s service every so often. (Yes, I’m looking at you Crunchyroll, as much as I love you, it’s time to go)

The biggest thing out of everything I’m typing right this second though is to stop hiding in my room, behind these computer screens, just because I’ve got lazy and don’t want to go out and then using the depression and anxiety and the reason when its not the sole reason as to why.

I’m using the 31st at 1:50pm as my new thing. The day and time that I pursue something new, and who knows maybe in a years time I’ll have hit some of my goals. What I do know though is, if I dont put this time frame on it then I will not do it. And I will continue to sit here and do nothing and not living my life. Literally wasting this one thing that we all have. Potentially being the only sentient living beings out of trillions of galaxies and instead of doing something with my life I’ve been sat here watching time tick away.

Right now I’m putting a smile on my face because finally I’ve realised in this moment that I want to be happy again and to do that means I have to change. And this is something that for months and months of thinking and going around in my head is the one thing that I never thought that I actually needed to do. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed that through out 2022 that smile will remain. And that now I will get up off my ass and “go touch the grass” and realise I’m missing out on a alot if I don’t step outside.

Finally, I will be doing a weekly round up on here to keep track of myself and have something to look back on and hopefully along the way this will helps other in my position to maybe have a little smile or push themselves out of their dark place.