Tonight in My life

Back to work on Onlyfans and it’s got me depressed. Not the actual job, I love that part. But the looking at myself constantly and judging myself from every angle and seeing every nook and crannie. I don’t have a healthy relationship with my body (or myself for that matter) and I never have. It’s so hard to take off your clothes and be sexy when you don’t really like what you see. Even my fans telling me I’m hot is triggering as fuck. It’s so exhausting and I’m frustrated because on one side of things I’m so happy that I can just be myself and not think about surgeries and changing myself and being happy with my body and having the fans be happy with my body and face but on the other side I feel ashamed to even put myself out there because I’m not as pretty as I used to be or as other girls or as the image of what I should look like in my head. I’m sad about it. I just wish I felt beautiful. Like truly truly beautiful. Like that I deserve everything cuz I look like Kim kardashian beautiful. But I don’t. I look very exotic, I’ve never seen anyone that looks like me before. Which is cool but I also feel too astonishing for normal media to see and accept. I’ve always felt that way. Even in kindergarten I didn’t feel accepted. I was always tall. Bullied. Maybe it’s other people’s abuse that has me feeling down about myself rather than my ACTUAL self. Isn’t that fucked up? I want to do something about it. I want to feel hot and sexy on cam and be able to genuinely receive those compliments, and LOVE what I see. I will get there. I keep saying that Onlyfans is like a self love experiment as well as a money maker. You’ve got to know your worth to make it on that site. And add tax.