Recently, Caffeine and I were arguing, and I pointed out that I'd seen her-- her current self-- long before it had surfaced.
To which she responded that I didn't know her at all, that all the things that made her up were things I didn't understand.
But that, I think, isn't true.
Because, in effect, this is what I see.
People are transparent to me. Not in the sense that I know what you are and who you are, but in that even when I'm looking at you-- directly at you-- I'm not seeing you.
I'm not seeing the "you" that you think you are.
Because I can't see what you're thinking on the top level.
But I can see all the commonalities and patterns that appear when you make choices based on that top level.
I can come to predict you.
That is my understanding. My understanding lies in seeing, not the face of the clock, but all the gears spiralling beneath.
My understanding is not about the words chosen in conversation or the words left unsaid, because I don't understand people the way people understand people. I can only watch your actions, and, if I am honest with you, I will tell you everything I see from your actions.
My understanding is not empathy.
My understanding is prediction.
I cannot see the face you present to the world. I cannot see the face you present to yourself. And I cannot do either of these because they present themselves to me as mere illusions.
I don't see the reflection in the glass. I see through the glass to what lies beneath, to things that I can't describe in words until I've spoken them once, twice, a dozen times, to someone I trust to bounce them back to me. Sometimes I write them here.
More often I don't.
And the thing about this bounce is that it is only clear when it applies to other people.
It is almost impossible to see yourself this way. And it is certainly impossible when you are sure that the other person can't understand you.
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