The truth about marriage in Pretty sure he hates me

The reason I feel he hates me isn’t the usual I was unfaithful I should be crucified it is far worse than that. He feels alone in this marriage as if I am not his partner, as if he cannot confide in me. That is more painful than cheating, if I was unfaithful I could be accountable for my actions, I would take the pain. I cannot take the pain from not being there for him in the way he needs me, the same way I need him. I do everything I can to make him feel loved and appreciated. I try to hear him out when he tells me what hurts him but when he talks to me as if im guilty of his assumptions I automatically get defensive because im hurt.
I know that’s not okay or even a real excuse but I do everything for this man. I don’t have friends I go spend time with, I gave up my passion for cars because he wasn’t comfortable with me being around a lot of guys. An example of me being punished for being unfaithful to my first husband. he assumes I will do it again, I can make the excuse and say I deserve it but the rational part of me says well if that’s how he feels about you why did he marry you knowing you were once unfaithful in a marriage?
I feel like im constantly being punished for my immoral decision, like I will forever be wearing the A on my shirt. I can yell until I am blue in the face that he is all I want and yet he won’t believe me. My co-parenting suffered tremendously because of this, again my family was shaken because I chose this man. doesnt he see my sacrifice? what else do I need to lose for him to see I am his? I don’t know how to show this man he is my world he is mine. I read the books I read the blogs. Im lost. He tells me he loves me and when he asks for a divorce its just because he is angry. I’ve been angry before and leaving him has never been a thought much less voiced to him.
I had my court custody case yesterday and he was the main subject. My love for him was under the microscope everyone can see I choose him, but him. I am a mom before anything and me defending him should mean something, it should right? He hasn’t asked me one word about it, I cried myself to sleep these past two days I feel so alone I feel so unwanted I feel like my love for him is in vain. I can lose my kids over this, I was made out to be a woman who chose her man over her kids when that isn’t the case my kids are well taken care of and love me more than anything in this world those are my babies they are me. Do I see the resentment in my husbands eyes when I fight for my kids? absolutely.
I am waiting to hear back from the judge on the new custody status and my mind has been far away ever since. I can’t eat I can’t sleep I can’t think. If I lose my babies I will have no choice but to walk away and start over. I have to accept the fact that I will need to walk away leaving my heart behind I will be torn but I will survive. Him showing no interest gives me strength to walk away, the strength I need to snap back into reality. Maybe that is why he is so distant? Maybe he knows I will always chose my family first, but he is failing to see that he is my family too.