The truth about Marriage in Pretty sure he hates me

Ive been married for almost a year and its a shocker its even lasted this long. Do not get me wrong I love this man more than anything, what I realized is I am in love with his potential not him himself if that makes any sense. I see him as the most perfect human being yet he shows me every way he isn’t yet I stay. Dumb you might ask, most definitely. We have nothing in common, what attracted us to each other was our physical attraction to one another. Even though he isn’t my normal physical type his smile, his voice, his presence captured me the moment I saw him. we connected instantly and right away I knew he was what I wanted, but I was married.
I made the most disgusting immoral thing anyone could do while married, I cheated. At that moment in time I didn’t care, I wanted him and I had to have him. I broke up my family for him, it wasn’t perfect but it was MY family. Its something I live with everyday, I see the pain it has caused my kids, the adjustments they had to grow up to having a separate household. it kills me but I try every day to make them happy. I try to make every one happy, but myself because lets face it I don’t deserve it.
I say I am dumb for staying, well im not perfect maybe he is dumb too, and we are just two dumbasses trying to make it work. I know he loves me, maybe even the same way I love him. He sees what I can be and what I could be and that’s who he is in love with. I try to do everything right for this man. I dont want two failed marriages, that’s probably why I try so hard. I have never ever thought of being unfaithful to him, I saw the pain it causes and I am not one to inflict that pain on someone twice. He doesnt deserve it and I am just trying to show him and give him all the love I believe he deserves.
I divorced my Ex-husband 3years ago, and even though I cheated I wasn’t the only one at fault for that marriage failing. He was controlling, manipulating and insecure. He got me pregnant so I wouldn’t leave, so every pregnancy was torture and a bad experience as I was doing it alone. I decided to get my tubes tied and its what broke our marriage in his eyes, I did it because I couldn’t do it all over again I couldn’t stay stuck. Together we are toxic we are unhealthy in front of our kids.
Well back to the “love of my life” we stopped talking after my affair came to light, I blocked him on everything imaginable and I focused on making my family work. Well things didn’t ever get worked out and we divorced. I moved out and we coparented perfectly, I was independent, I was happy, I unblocked him on my Facebook almost 6yrs have passed by and honestly I don’t know what made me do it, but I did it. We talked off and on for a few months, we made plans to meet up but our schedules just never coincided with one another. I didn’t push it I pushed him to the back of my head because at that point in my life I was thinking realistically, talking to him would cause turmoil between me and my ex husband and the harmony we had with our child exchanges.
Coincidently one day while out with my brother I ran into him, in person. My heart raced, I panicked I left as fast as I could. I messaged him to apologize for leaving in such a hurry but how couldn’t I? Why out of all places would we run into each other? is this faith? Or is this a test? We decided to catch up that night so no excuses could be made as to why we keep holding off on seeing one another. So this is it, this was the day I decided to follow my heart. I never scheduled dates during the days I had my kids, but this was an exception right? Or was this life telling me to slow down? Now that I think about it if I would of stuck to my rules I would of consciously decided the pros and cons of meeting up with him.
Nothing with him is by the book though, he consumes me, he is my priority he is my goal. No matter how much time passes by he does this to me, why? All that is going through my head is he is the one. If he wasn’t why would all the signs be there? why am I feeling this way, we haven’t seen each other In 6years yet I love him more than anything and I know its dangerous. but I belong to him. We meet up at a local restaurant and instantly the moment I see him I knew I loved him, I knew I never stopped loving him. I play it cool because lets face it I could easily be the only one feeling this way.
Our “date” goes as expected with us, it had its ups and it had its downs.. when we are up we are untouchable its me and him against the world and nothing can stop us. When we are down we are each others worst enemy as much love we have for each other instantly turns into hate, all of it. Well I find out he had a baby with someone I was once friends with, someone who knew I loved him and wanted to leave my family to be with. I of course out of anger told him I was talking to someone and if he asked me to get married I would. We decided we just weren’t going to work and at least we tried, well as we were saying goodbye and we hugged he asked if I wanted to finish talking at his house, of course I knew it’d be more than that how could it not be we both knew we were insanely attracted to one another.
The whole way to his house my music is off, I am thinking of ways to stop myself from falling for him. I tell myself I will only stay to talk and I will just keep in touch with him and take things slow.I call my kids I tell them I love them and tell them goodnight. No one knows what Im doing or who I am with because lets face it he is the reason I cheated and caused a rift in my family, he is my kryptonite and everyone knows it. As I pull up to his house I am overwhelmed with memories and flashbacks of the time I was there and I was not suppose to be. I felt guilty. I felt dumb. I felt excited. We went straight upstairs and I excused myself to the restroom, I needed to recollect myself I had to remind myself I could leave when I wanted too.
We sat on the couch and we talked, we kissed we made love. I woke up in his bed and it was different because I knew I didn’t have to leave in a hurry, I could stay if I wanted too and frankly I never wanted to leave. I wanted him day and night I wanted his body and soul. I want to be his peace and his happiness. Fairy tale right? Well that ended just as quickly as it started because lets face it we don’t know how to do anything normal.