Why are you adopting? I mean, what's the motivation?
The other day I made a solo trip to the grocery store. As I was crossing the parking lot on my way in, I saw a tiny little girl, no older than 3, looking at the pumpkins outside the door. I saw no adult with her, so I watched. Then from behind me quite a ways, I heard a woman scream to the little girl, "Get over here!" She was already to her car, and had left the girl up by the store by herself. The girl, looking for her mother, spun around in all directions. She couldn't see her mother, being so small. She could only hear her menacing voice. The mother screamed again, "Get the fuck over here, NOW!!" The scared girl turned and started to cross the parking lot, unable to see the cars- and the cars unable to see her. I ran out in front of an elderly driver and touched the hood of his car. I stopped traffic. I said to the girl in a quiet voice, "She's over there, honey. Go ahead and cross. It's okay," and she toddled away. The older gentleman I had stopped said, "I didn't even see her. She's not yours??" and I told him no. Her mother was clear across the parking lot, yelling for her. I can't get that little girl's face out of my head. I feel so sad for her.
A few years ago I encountered a sort of similar situation. I was driving on a busy road. I came around the corner, just as the speed limit changed from 55 to 45, and found a toddler (around 18 months) walking across the very busy road by himself. No adult to be found. I pulled over, got out of my car, and ran to the child. I picked him up and desperately searched for a responsible adult. There was nobody. Finally an older woman shouted to me. I asked her if the boy belonged with her and she said no, that he lived across the street. Suddenly another boy, 4 years old, tried to cross the street to get his little brother back. I urged him not the cross the street, but to go get his mother or father. He went into a house and returned without an adult a few minutes later. I called 911. Ten minutes later, while I was waiting for the police, a man emerged from the house. He casually walked across the street and nonchalantly took the baby from my arms. He didn't say a word to me; he just walked back home with his child. The police came and I described the incident, and they informed me that this wasn't the first time that house had been investigated. I was devastated for those children.
I had yet another similar incident two winters ago, when I looked out my townhouse window to see a toddler and an infant- both wearing only diapers- wandering outside their sliding glass door without an adult. They were heading for the street. I ran over and snatched up the babies. I knocked on their wide-open door, calling for anyone. Their townhouse was filthy. The babies were playing with cigarettes and lighters. The dog was eating a spilled can of powdered baby formula off the carpet. There was no adult. After a minute or two finally a woman came out of a back room, scrambling to get her clothes on. I don't know what she was doing or if she was still sleeping; all I knew was that her children had been in danger and she didn't seem too concerned about it.
I realize sometimes good people accidentally let their children slip away from them. Kids are sneaky and sometimes you just don't realize they're gone. Stuff happens. I absolutely understand that. Typically when that happens, the parent is distraught and thankful at the same time. But these people didn't care. Every one of those children could have been hurt, kidnapped, gone missing, or even died. I don't know how a parent can't care. It's not something I'll ever understand.
A friend of mine recently said they felt a certain way: mother to one, mother to all. That's how I feel. Somebody has to love these children. Somebody has to keep them safe. Somebody has to nurture them, guide them, teach them. Parenting is scary. It's not without great sacrifices and challenges... but it's also a privilege. My husband and I are blessed to have children. It is a job we take very seriously. We have an overwhelming sense of responsibility for our children's upbringing.
My husband and I have also always wanted a big family. We knew we'd have some children the old fashioned way, but we also knew we'd probably adopt some day. Recently, a few people have asked us our motivation to adopt. They suspect that we've chosen a teenager so we have a babysitter for our younger children. Let me tell you a little something about that theory: it is offensive, and it is wrong. Why have we chosen a teenager? We didn't, specifically. We never set out to adopt a teen, truthfully. We had hoped for a younger child at first. And yet, every time we looked through the listings of available children in our state, we kept going back to K. We had to think long and hard about whether or not we could consider a teenager. Then we realized it was just like deciding whether or not to consider a younger child. If it's a good match for everyone involved, we'll do it. If it's not the best match for our family and for the child in question, we won't do it. It's as simple as that. She shouldn't be passed up simply because she's a little older than we hoped.
Right now there are over 3,000 children in Michigan alone, waiting for loving, permanent families to come home to. Many of these kids are older. Some have siblings. Some have special needs. These children need homes. They need mothers. Or fathers. Or both. They need stability. They need love and care. They need guidance. They need assurance. They need to feel safe. They deserve it. Is it going to be challenging? Absolutely. But what if nobody adopts these children? They will age out of the system, sometimes believing they are unlovable and worthless. They'll be more likely to struggle and adapt to adult life. They'll be expected to face adulthood without ever being taught how. Some of them make it. Many of them don't.
I am a mother. Mother to one, mother to all. When a child is in need, it breaks my heart. If that's not reason enough to open my home to another child, I don't know what is. Perhaps people should stop asking us WHY we want to adopt and start asking WHY NOT. We love each other. We love our children. We want to adopt another child. The end.
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