i would love to die you know. how nice it would be to not feel a damn thing, to not suffer inside my head to just be fucking free of this life that ive made.
im just not happy. i can feel happiness, but it is not something that lives inside me. happiness is like a nice guest, doesnt leave anything behind, gone without a trace, was it even there?
anyways listen. im not going to kill myself simply because i know it will hurt the people who love me, the very few people who do. im so lucky to be in love and have that person but i can never fully enjoy it. but il hold on for the sake of him and hopefully our future.
speaking of, you ever feel like you arent doing what youre meant to? like why am i still living in a small town when i know that i belong somewhere much more open and, whats the word.... PROGRESSIVE? you know. i dont care to check for spelling mistakes, as if anyone will read this.
i was diagnosed with bpd & adhd at the age of 22, on top of my crippling depression and ptsd. and fuck me did it throw me through a loop. i totally lost sense of everything and who i really am. like this makes sense as to why school didnt go well for me and why i never actually graduated college.... hopefully will this coming fall, just to finally have the credentials to get a good solid job because you know i actually have to be a GOOD citizen and support this absolutely insane way of living. i want to be a fairy elf thats all thanks
its like everything around me is the darkest pit of myself and i have to stare at it all day long or picture my abusers because for some reason my brain will not let go of the past. its funny how doctors were so quick to medicate me and diagnose without looking at my actual head??? does that make sense because like WHY HASNT ANYONE LOOKED AT MY BRAIN EVEN THOUGH I HAD A CONCUSSION??
thats just how i feel.
i hope this helps me
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